a new year

My prayer for this year is simple. It comes from a song by Julie Myer that continues to resonate deep in my spirit. The words are simple:

"Pick me up like a paintbrush God. Dip it in the colors of my life."

Lord, I want this year to be one great surprises, sweet breakthroughs, needed change, and for love to be awakened. I want to be a part of bringing your kingdom to earth. "Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. And all these things shall be added unto you." Remind me to seek you first. I trust you with all the details. Seriously Lord, I trust you. Now, its your turn:-)

the life of a blog stalker

This post goes out to my dear friend Regina. She is one of the most gifted photographers I know. She has this amazing gift of capturing a moment in a photograph. Check her out at www.radiantimages.blogspot.com
As the official blog stalker, I encourage you to simply become one.....

Love you girl!

I love this thing!

ok, not sure how many of you have ever heard of Skype, but frankly, I think its amazing. Purely amazing. One of my best friends is overseas in Kosovo for 6 months or more. It was so hard to see her go. But thanks be to God for the amazing gift that technology is! We are able to chat for free while getting to see each other face to face. So Sweet!

air to breath

So Im not really sure what broke last night, but today, I awoke a little lighter, a little more hopeful. I don't really care what shifted, or how God did it, but Im beyond thankful. Just reminded once again that there's so much more to life. When we get so focused on something, everything fades away. I don't want tunnel vision. No matter how much my heart desires something. The battle lies not so much in waiting for the desires to be fulfilled or in questioning God's timing, but rather, in releasing the desires and asking for clear vision and an obedient heart to respond to God's heart. Gosh, I feel so small tonight. Here I am, asking for a husband, when there's so much more going on around me. God, give me fresh perspective.

wrestle in the waiting

There's much going through my mind and my heart these days. Some of it I'd like to ignore, to push under the rug, to pretend that everything is great. That's who I am, who I've always been . I hate conflict. I hate tension. I hate disappointment and unrest. I want things to be peaceful and smooth and life giving for everyone. But I'm coming to learn that that's just not life. And that its in these times when life can be born. Its like labor. You can't have a child, this beautiful amazing creature, without the pain and agony of labor. Oh how I want to just push a button and have what I want. I'm realizing more and more how much I'm a product of this microwave culture. I don't want to wait. I don't want to work for anything. Oh the flesh! I have so much to learn and so far to go.

Over the past weeks and months, I have often fought to stay above water. I keep pressing through life's disappointments and unmet longings and keep my eye and focus on what is good, what is right. I always seemed to find a balance between the pain and longings with the contentment that only Christ can give. But over the last days and weeks, I've fallen. I've found myself deep in the pain and confusion that life has brought my way. It's amazing how the enemy loves to sneak in and get a grip on areas of your life that cause hardship and struggle. For me, I was hit hard with insecurities. And it sucked the life out of me! I've become so self protective. I've been hurt so much in the past and Im afraid to risk. Its been a hard couple of weeks in the fact that I've found myself unable to move above this discontentment and frustration. I find myself wrestling with God. It almost feels wrong. I initially felt shame for my lack of trust and faith in Him. But I can't fake it. I can't pretend that everything is ok. I can't act like I have it all together. And so, I wrestle. I wonder what is on the other side of this storm. Will there be calm waters? Will there be sunshine, or even a rainbow? Lord, where is the faith that I had growing within me, giving me strength to carry me day by day? I don't want to be an experiencial, emotional christian. But Im afraid thats where I've found myself. Lord, from the depth of my heart, change me! Take this doubting and questioning heart of mine and mold it, shape it, create something new. Fill it, infuse it with hope.

A friend said to me that she believes its ok to be in this place, in wrestling with God. Within the tension, may Christ be revealed. May His purpose and plans for this time come about. So while the peacemaker and comfort seeker in me is crying out for calm waters, I know that with labor brings about new life. Its this hope that keeps me going.

chemo and coffee

Well today was my first day of work in the past 2 1/2 months. And to top that, it is in a field of nursing that I've never experienced. No longer am I living amidst laboring moms and crying newborns. No longer will I wake at 4pm and go to bed at 8am. No longer will I be sleep deprived at church or miss a holiday gathering. I feel like Im growing up!

Waking up this morning, I was filled with much excitement, anticpation, nervousness and a little fear. Its as if I was going to school for the very first time. What to expect? Will they like me? Will I be happy hear? After an official clock in and a quick tour, I was thrown into the fast pace world of oncology nursing. I watched as the patients slowly filtered in to the chemo treatment room. It was obvious that this was not their first time. They each selected a chair, grabbed a cup of coffee and settled in for what could be their entire morning. Some came alone. But others came with their spouse or a friend. You could sense some anxiety on their part, and definately some weariness. The nurses made their way in total teamwork fasion from patient to patient....starting IV's, mixing the drugs that would work hard to kill the cancer within, premedicate to avoid the nasty chemo effects like nausea and vomitting, and then patrol the room making sure that their were no adverse reactions. The nurses worked together like a well oiled machine. I love the sense of teamwork and togetherness that was there. I found myself excited to work with these women.

But throughout the day, I faced a variety of thoughts. "Give me my babies back!" "What am I doing here?" "How long will I feel this dumb?" "Well, it can work." "Learning is kind of fun again." "Wow, the opportunities are endless.'"

Come 4pm, I was ready to go home and loving the fact that I actually could! My first day as an oncology nurse was under my belt. And now.....let the learning begin!

expectations

This past week was our family vacation in New Hampshire. Every 2 years, my mom's side of the family has a family reunion somewhere in the US. Its a fun time to get away, experience a new place/state, enjoy catching up with family (who thankfully are all really cool people), and spending time together with our immediate family. I have sweet memories of past reunions, and its hard not to enter into them with expectations. Now, as we've gotten older, our times together are few and far between. These reunions have now become our own reunion of sorts, where we have high hopes to spend quality time with one another, have meaningful interactions, quality family time of games or just sitting down for dinner. But life seems to have 'happened' over the last couple of years. Change has wrecked havoc on us, or should I say, wrecked havoc on me. I always have had a hard time with change. And every time we are together as a family, all the emotions and intense feelings come to the surface. Its hard for me to let go of what was....to let go of expectations. Our time together this past week was nothing close to a vacation. There were intense emotions, short tempered women, events that pulled each of us in different directions, 2 little girls that had their own agendas, poor communication, and more. I found myself so caught up in what wasnt right, and how unsatisfied I was, that I missed many good opportunities. Now, I don't want you to think that my family is a mess and that Im miserable. I love them beyond words. But I needed to learn something this week. Family is messy! Yeah, I knew that, but I needed to be reminded of that. Secondly, expectations need to be left at the door. Change is unavoidable and adjustments are necessary (but they sure do stink sometimes!).

I was reminded yet again of how thankful I am for grace. We all needed it this week thats for sure. Its amazing how ugly the human self can be. I long to be at a place where I live and move and breath like Jesus. Im tired of hurting those I love with my words and actions (or lack there of). I long for something more, something better. Imagine what family will be like in heaven. Thats one family reunion I can't wait for!!!!

Shadowfeet

Wanted to share the lyrics to a song that captures so much. Enjoy!

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you

There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you

You make all things new
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet

When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you

-Brooke Fraser

nursing books and coffee shops

This week was like a glimpse back into the world of nursing school. Up in the spare bedroom, tucked away in the corner, lives my old nursing textbooks. All 100 pounds of them. Seriously, those suckers are huge! I never really thought Id crack them open again, but couldnt stand to part with those books. Maybe its because I spent hundreds of dollars on them. Or maybe, just maybe, I realized that my nursing carear would take me on different paths. Either way, Im thankful for them.

Many ask, "What do you do with all your time?" Initially, Ive felt that I needed to justify my time off by speaking of productivity and purpose. I have never felt such purpose in just being. Its been so good! I can't say it enough. Anyway, this week was a week for coffee shops and nursing books. I've begun the process of switching the brain over to new subjects, new terminology, new drugs, and new procedures. I've figured Id start easing myself into the world of cancer and the 'cell cycle' while I'm praying I never forget all that Ive learned about the amazing world of labor and delivery.

He Is

Well, I don't know if anyone still checks this blog or not. Perhaps its only my sweet friend Rachel. But even if no one reads this, these words must be spoken, rather typed. Over the last 2 months since I've written, I've experienced the living God. I've seen His face, caught glimpses of His heart, heard His voice, experienced His love, and know that He is real, alive, and more than I've ever known or expected Him to be. At times, I find myself simply in awe and wonder at who this amazing God is. Why has He chosen me? Why does He love me? How does He have enough patience for me and my issues? And why is it all for free? Whats the catch here God???? But I've tasted and I've seen the Lord and its wrecked my world. All of the preconceived ideas about who He is.....all the things that the christian world taught me about who He is and the nice little box they gave me to keep Him in.....gone! Blown to pieces! And thanks be to God for that! Because Ive come to experience Him in such a real way. The things of my heart that have kept me from Him, the lies of the enemy, the strongholds of fear, doubt and the mind.....oh that mind! I thank Him for it, but at the same time I long to be free of it at times so as to enter into the secret places of His presence. I testify to who He is. HE IS amazing. HE IS all knowing. HE IS trustworthy. HE IS dependable. HE IS my redeemer. HE IS my sustainer. HE IS the lover of my soul. HE IS the one I long to be like. HE IS my protector. HE IS my father. HE IS my papa. HE IS my friend. HE IS the peace that passes all understanding. HE IS all that I need. HE IS patience at its best. HE IS untainted love. HE IS unconditional. HE IS the healer. HE IS the freedom giver. HE IS the blesser. HE IS the warrior. HE IS the gentle one. HE IS! HE IS! HE IS!

I am a new creation because of Him. I no longer live controlled by the spirits of fear, of rejection, of burden bearing. The realization that I don't need to strive to be in His presence, that I don't need to earn anything, is simply amazing. At times I don't know what to do with myself. So, I simply sit in His presence. I want to soak up everything about Him. At times, I feel lost in worship. I feel like I can't enter in. But what I'm learning is that if He is there, then just sit with him. Just be with him. His presence is like none other.

The concept of God as my father is one that has been in the process for a long time. I've worked through a lot with my own dad. Its amazing how our earthly relationships so easily transfer over to our heavenly ones. But God is showing me so much about who He is and is amazing love for me. Its so totally unconditional. I don't get it. I don't think I ever will. But one thing is for sure. There's no way I'm going to pass it up simply because I don't get it. No one in their right mind would pass up a million dollars just because they couldn't wrap their mind around why someone would just give it away. So I'm taking it Jesus, with a thankful and greatful heart. You are on the move no doubt. You are changing me, making me new. I look at all the newness in my life. I'm back home in Lancaster a new woman. I've seen the work you've done in my life and I'm living it out. I no longer need relationships to define me. I don't need a group to label 'my community.' I don't need an identity in other people. You are my identity. I am free to live and move according to your will for my life. I'm starting a new job aug. 4th. Who would have thought Id ever give up labor and delivery. But I was open and ready to whatever. And now, you've lead me to oncology nursing. My spirit is filled with anticipation of what that will be like, and how you will use me. I'm honored to be in such an awesome position to love, serve, encourage, and bless people in such a difficult situation. I long to understand and move in your healing anointing. But I don't quite understand it yet. But I trust that in your time, as I continue to move in your ways, that you will allow my heart and mind to understand. I simply receive all that you have for me.

Lord, don't let this passion and excitement fade away. I seek your boldness and confidence as I allow the Holy Spirit to move within me. I simply say that I am your hands and feet.

Thank you. My heart is full of gratitude and praise. Be forever honored and lifted high in my life. I love you daddy!

whirlwinds of change

Its hard to believe its been almost 2 months since I've blogged. And so much has happened its hard to know where to start. So I'll simply say what I know, and that is that God is on the move. He's never stopped moving. Even when times were tough, or I doubted, or had my temper tantrums....he has promised to complete the work He started in me.

My time at Shady Grove finished up on May 16th. My heart was filled with mixed emotions, knowing that it was time to move on, but full of saddness at the thought of leaving my friends and coworkers. So much was gained from this experience. As a nurse, I gained much confidence and strength to branch out and experience something new and challenging. Ive gained much autonomy and have learned how to be confident in my skills. And Ive been reminded that labor and delivery is a passion of mine, one where I can use my gifts and abilities to bless, encourage and support such a life changing event in the life of a woman and her family.

The time away also provided me the much needed space and air to breathe once again. The healing that took place in my heart couldnt have happened had I stayed in the midst of the muck and the myre. I guess I shouldnt say that it 'couldn't ' have happened, because with God all things are possible. But God honored my need for a way out, and he took me to a place that provided so much for me, more then I could have ecer expected. He provided an amazing job, a great church community, a network of amazing new friends, and an opportunity to love and serve my brother and his amazing family. I have felt so alive at times, and wondered if I m ready to enter back into life back home. But as the time has gone on, I've felt a stirring in my spirit again to move back, to experience life in Lancaster as a new woman, and to live and serve out of my home again. The Lord has given me fresh ideas and visions of ways to serve with my time and resources. But as I prepare to move home, I am without a job. I feel that its important to remain open to whatever the Lord might have for me and to not jump into something just to have a job. I have no idea what He is going to do in my life and heart over the next two weeks. Thats right, Im going to South Africa!!!!

This has been another part of my dreams fulfilled. Africa has been on my heart for many years now, and its finally time. The Lord is taking me there to experience a new culture and to see evidence of what He is doing around the world. Im excited to serve and grow next to an amazing group of young adults. Its neat how over the past weeks He has been placing orphans on my heart. I just want to sweep them up in my arms, cuddle them, and let them know how loved they are.

So I find myself in a place of anxious anticipation. Not knowing has proven to be very challenging for me over the past years. But since this time away, ive gotten pretty comfortable with not knowing. Simply because I know the one who knows all things. I'm continuing on in the journey. And God continues to do a work in my life. I heard a song the other day that resonated so deep in my spirit.....rang so true with what Im feeling right now. By Avalon.....

Free, I long to be free
I long for the day I'll believe
That all you say you see in me is true
That's hard for me to do
It's hard for me to die to myself
Entrust my life to someone else
So come empty me out
I'm no good without You inside of me
Chorus:
Come and fill my heart with hope
Come and fill my life with love
Come and fill my soul with strengh to carry on
Because from here the climb is steep, the road is long
Come and fill my days with dreams
Empty me of all the empty things
That I hold ontoCome and fill my heart with you
I need you in my life
eed you like the air that I breath
You've become the very heart of me
And I, I can't believe my eyes
Can't believe the dream that I've found
Lord, your love has turned my world around
So come fill up my heart
'Till I'm like you are
So deep inside of me

Search me, Lord
Try my heart
Come and take me now and make me new
So that all of the world will see you
Overflow in my life!

its been a while

For those of you who are active followers of my blog, I'm back for a brief update. Why brief you might say? I've decided to do some intensive paper journaling over the coming weeks and days. It seems as though I've entered into a "clean out" stage in my life. The Lord has been convicting me of many things recently, revealing idols in my life as well as areas that purely just need to be thrown out. Its been hard work over the past week. I'm thankful for the strong and powerful teaching that I receive at Frontline, for God has spoken to me loudly over the past few Sunday's. So I invite you to pray with me as I do some major housework. It seems appropriate that its happening at this time. As I anticipate moving back to Lancaster in June, I recognize that things are going to be much different. So I need to be different. And I'm going to be different. Pray that the Lord would continue to wash me clean from the idols I have in my life. Pray that God would begin to reveal to me ways to use and invest my time wisely. Just what is it Lord that you want me to focus my time on? I continually hear Him saying, "Keep your eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen; Not what is temporary, but what is eternal." And finally, to fully be the person that He is asking me to be at my place of work. The sin of gossipping has been running rampant at work and I'm continually aware of it, but do nothing about it. Jesus, forgive me for all the ways that I fall short. Thank you for your loving grace and forgiveness that covers all. May I get even just a glimpse more of who you are in my life and for the purposes that you have placed over me.

what happens when......

its funny what happens when you surrender............

Sitting in Starbucks today, with a warm cup of tea, a journal and my bible, I knew it was a special moment. It was my time away with the Father. The sun was shining outside and the sky a a sunset blue. There's nothing like the smell of good coffee with the hum of good conversation around you. Sitting on the soft, comfy chair, I opened up my journal from the last year. Reading through the pages, I was reminded once again of all the changes that have happened over the last years and how God was present during each and every one of them! Throughout the up and down emotions of life, the doubts, the questions, the fears and the joys, one constant remained. "I long for my destiny to come forth and be revealed!" Its so frustrating to be one of those people that want all the details up front and right now. I cant tell you all the times I cried out to the Lord for answers, for clarity, for wisdom. But Ive come to realize that wisdom isn't necessarily handed to us on a plate. He wants us to take steps towards him, towards what He is asking us to do. And from that, comes wisdom. I wonder why it has to be so hard sometimes. But then again, the reward, the victory, is just that much sweeter.

I'm amazed at how much and how often I ask for help, for understanding, for His gifts. My prayers have been so selfish lately. And I wonder why I'm not fulfilled, why the unsettledness continues, why I feel as though I'm not where I need to be. Its been so easy to stay focused on the self lately. Why not? Its just me. I go to work. I eat. I sleep. I travel. I shop. I have fun. I have my own agenda. Yes, along the way, I bless others and love on others when its convenient for me. If you love me, lay down your life, pick up the cross and follow me. I want to Lord! Everything in me wants to. But it seems as though i have come up with every excuse in the book. I'm not ready.....wait until I pay off my debts.....wait until I have a husband......not until its completely clear......can I really give up all that Ive come to know? I feel the battle in my spirit even as I acknowledge these thoughts right now. This battle has been going on for months, actually years. But I'm forever greatful for the Lords patience, and for the way that He has used these days to prepare me and mold me, regardless of my stubborn self. But today, more than ever, I feel a boldness and a readiness to dive in. I'm ready to jump. I'm ready to silence the voices of doubt and fear. For my God is able to do abundantly more than all we ask or imagine!

As I sifted through my journal, I came across an entry that I wrote during my time of doing a spiritual gifts and personality test with my mentor Sandy. Exhortation and Mercy with a leading towards being an advocate and advisor. Yes, this is me. This is what makes me fully alive. Following this entry was one that I wrote following my discovery of Wears Valley Ranch in TN. This is a Christian group home and school for children that exists to "promote the spiritual, emotional, intellectual, social and physical development of children in need of a stronger family support system through Christ centered homes." Throughout the last year, I have had a stirring in my heart multiple times to apply. But again, I had every excuse in the book to 'wait.' However, over the last months, as Ive acknowledged this unsettledness, this part of me that longs for more, for my destiny, I realize that I continue to try to satisfy that longing with other things. God has been so good and so kind to me as I've been searching and testing the waters. But I cant live in this place anymore. I feel an urgency in my spirit. Without a doubt, I need to apply to be a mentor/house parent assistant at the ranch.

What an opportunity this could be. It would be sacrificial, no doubt. But Christ promises so much more. So the application is complete. Lord, take this and do with it what you want. It is yours to have. Thank you for leading me and guiding me along throughout my life. I trust you.

What a journey folks.....what a journey.

Surrender

It was a wonderful day. Monica, Amy and I spent the day shopping and catching a movie in Silverthorne while the others skied the slopes. After a great dinner at the Dam Brewery, we headed back to winter park. The snow was falling and the moon shining bright as the mountains stretched all around us. I was again reminded of God's presence, his goodness in allowing me this time away. I am continually more and more aware of the good gifts of my Father.

As we shared with one another about life, about our frustrations and doubts, and our walks with Christ, I felt that stirring again in my spirit. That thing that wont go away...... That desire to want to serve and bless and love on babies. And then as soon as I entertain the thought, the fear sets in. Do I know what it means to surrender? Can I even grasp the enormity of what could be? Is this the right time? Am I ready to lay my self down? Am I willing to truly carry the cross? I felt the knots, the tension rise in me. I felt the battle. But then the words came out. I surrender! I'm willing Lord. I'm done trying to protect myself. You are worth it. I want you to be worth it!

So Lord, open doors. Lead me. Take me by the hand and show me where to go. Prepare my heart. Soften it. Make it more like yours.

I want adventure. I want passion. I want joy. I want peace. I want life! I want you!

simple prayers

It all started with a simple prayer.........

Last year when I was here in Colorado, I asked the Lord for a special gift, a special sign of His presence with me. So I asked for a shooting star. And He came through. Not only did I see one shooting star, but 6 more! It was such a sweet moment.

So this week, as I made my way here, I asked the Lord for a moose. Not too much to ask right? Well 4 days into it, and still no moose. Plus, the guy at the spa said that moose do not reside in this area, but about an hour from here. Slightly disappointed, I continued to seek my moose.

On the way home from the spa, I started noticing animal tracks in the snow. Something inside me was called to attention. And so I started searching the wooded areas by the road. And thats when I saw it. I actually didnt know what I saw exactly, so we turned the car around. And thats when we saw it. Not one, not two, but three moose! It was amazing. The four of us girls shreaked with joy, got out of the car, and watched as the moose stared us down and then went off galavanting together. It was amazing!

Simple prayers that God must love answering. So simple, yet so full of joy. Who knew a moose could do so much?

It was a great day at the spa. I got a hot rock massage, a facial and then we swam in 24 hot sulfer spring pools. It was pretty awesome! We left smelling like eggs, but with super soft skin and totally relaxed.

Last night we watched "the Kingdom." I was wrecked. I couldnt sleep for 2 hours. My mind kept reliving those images. And my heart was broken. It was hard, no impossible, to ignore the fact that the middle eastern countries live in such hatred, violence and fear. In continuing on with the book "Dangerous Surrender" Im now reading about the nature of evil, and how human beings are all the same. We all have the same capabilities to entertain evil. And we all need Jesus to save us. Wow......

the air up here

30,000 + feet.......... the air is so clear, so crisp and so clean. I love it. It makes me feel alive, even though sometimes dreadfully short of breath! God must have had so much fun when he created the mountains. God's might and strength and magnificence was put on display. Im sitting in a beautiful, warm home, lookinng out into a wooded valley. They say that moose live down there. I havent seen any yet, but I plan to.....or I should say Id love to.

God, thank you for these experiences. Thank you for the opportunity to leave the routines of life and get away into your creation. Thank you for the chance to fellowship with old friends and to meet new ones. Lord, I continue to submit my life to your will. I feel like I need to say that daily, to remind myself that I am not in control. I trust you, I trust you, I trust you. May your truth settle down deep in my heart so that I will be unshakeable, unmoveable.

Do something new Lord! Is it bad that I long for freshness? Sometimes I feel bad for wanting more, more life, more depth, more! But if you want me settled and content, lay that on my heart. I've had a taste and now I want more of it!

God, there's no one like you. Be the air that I breathe always!

snow angel

After a long and very busy week at work, I finally made it to Colorado for a week of fun and relaxation. Im so excited to spend this time with Monica and her friends. Its such a blessing to be able to get away for an entire week. While you wont find this girl on skiis, Im looking forward to relaxing, reading, jounaling, shopping, and venturing out to do some snow tubing and snow mobiling. Should be a blast! Plus I get to catch up with one of my best friends who I havent seen in a while. What a gift!

Right now Im feeling again as though the winds of change are blowing around me again. Several more friends are engaged, new relationships, and now, a sweet baby has arrived to some of my dear friends. Im overflowing with joy for them as Ive watched their dedication to Christ and to one another as they have taken this journey to adoption. E and R, Im beyond thrilled for you guys and Ive thanked Jesus every day since the news came out! Good old Ross gang is sure changing! Its just like we've prayed. We asked for the fullness of Christ to enter into our lives. We've prayed for husbands and wives and children. And now we are seeing the sweet fruit!

"But what about me God?" Its so hard not to ask that. It seems as though my life always seems to lead me back to that question. I hate that! I hate it that the thought even enters my mind. I know how extremely blessed Ive been. I know how rich my life has been. And yet, I continue to seek more. There's something missing. No, there's SOMEONE missing. And there's nothing I can do or say to make it come any sooner or any easier. I cant earn it. I cant will it to happen. God, in His ultimate goodness and love, will choose when to bless me. Until then, Im clinging to the word that was given to me a few years ago, that the Lord has my groom for me, but that this is a season of preparation. And Im finding that the preparation is the most important part of any relationship. And I know that I would much rather give this person to someone rather than the person I was a year ago.

We are a people that dont like to be unsatisified. We like full bellies and satisfied hungers. We think we need to be content to be happy. But this longing for a husband, for someone to share life with, experiences with, love with.....continually leads me back to the Father. And while I dont understand why things arent happening when I want them to, I trust Him. I trust that the Lord is preparting a man that is perfect for me in every way. Im trusting that He has thought through every detail, so that when it happens, there will be no denying His hand on the situation. Learning to surrender these longings to Christ's timing and will is hard. But its the best and most safest place to place them.

Reveal yourself to me over this next week. May I see you more fully as I experience your creative works in the beauty of Colorado. And hey, thanks for bringing me one day closer to meeting that awesome man you have waiting for me:-)

random or divine

Ever get confused by all the random thoughts and ideas that go through your mind in one day, let alone one moment? Ever question 'is it random?' or is it placed there by God to get you stirred, pointing you in the direction that is leading to your destiny. Gosh I wish I could figure that one out. I continue to have to surrender these ideas to Christ, knowing that I dont need to stress out about it, about missing my call. Because God is faithful and He does the best work when we are open and ready to move. He's not going to let me miss it completely. Takes a lot of pressure off of me.

I dont need a map of my whole future. In fact, I dont want one. I think Id probably freak out a bit. But man, if I could just have one for the next 6 months that would be great! There's so much brewing in my mind and I wish I knew what to discard and what to pursue. Some of its so random I have no idea what to do with it!

So Ive talked recently about this Tennessee childrens home and school and my renewed interest in it. I think it represents my love for kids, my desire to nurture and love on them, and my desire to sacrifice myself to something for the Lord's glory. But now you know what it is? I have this continued vision of having a home right outside of the campus of a secular college that is used as a ministry place for young people, christians and non, looking for a place of refuge and peace, prayer, fellowship, a good meal, and love. How cool would that be? A place to disciple young women. A place to have bible study. A place to just do life together.

What is interesting about both of these is that it doesnt involve nursing. I love my job! But yet I sense that something new is coming. I wonder if this trip to South Africa in may will shed light on that. I pray that it does. I dont want to settle for getting comfortable again.

Wow, who would have thought that this country girl from PA, who was homesick growing up, hated change, and desired a safe plan would ever end up here?

wow........

refueled

Refueled for the journey......gotta love it how God takes care of his kids. This past weekend was just that. A gift from my Father, letting me know that I have not been forgotten and that the journey continues on to something greater and bigger than I can imagine. My dear friends Janet and Miska came out for the weekend. It was a weekend filled with great conversation, fun times in the city, girly movies, and of course ice cream! It was so sweet to think back to days of old and share updates on our lives. It was a treasured gift for each of us.

And I was reminded yet again.....thank you for this time in my life. Its a gift. Its not a mistake. Its not second best. Thanks.

Lord, you are the potter, I am the clay. Mold me and make me, this I pray!

revelations in the fast

Wow, its been a really intense couple of days, but its been filled with fulfillment, even in the hunger. Im amazed at how focused my quiet times have been. And Im amazed at how the Lord is placing things on my heart for me to share in with him. Its been a sweet time of intamacy. What has the Lord been showing me? I do have self control and I do have discipline! Its been so awesome to experience this God given gift! Its also been an honor to bring my family, friends and the body of ACTS before the father.

But what was the most life changing message for me came last night at work. Having some down town, I sat in the break room for some quiet meditation. I was encouraged in my spirit to pick up a book that I brought with me that I recently bought at the encouragement of my dad (called Dangerous Surrender, by Kay Warren). And thats when it began. God began to rock my world!

Will you decide to say yes to GOd, even before knowing the full implications of what that yes may mean for you? And her prayer echos in my heart : Im scared to surrender all to you. Im not entirely sure I can trust you with what matters most to me. But I want to know you. I want to love like you love, and hurt the way you hurt. I want to live the adventure of risking it all for you. I am saying yest to you right now, no matter what that yes entails.

I began to really examine what it means to surrender. Was I surrendered? Fully surrendered? I recognized those struggles that continue to keep me from entering into that place of total surrender. Giving up what I've come to know, things that bring physical comfort, selfish desires, my need to know and control, my want to know that I am not going to be jipped out of anything, and my fear of being lost and left behind. Gosh Melissa, do you not trust Him? Has he not proven Himself to you, the depth of his love and faithfulness over the past years? There's a part of me that just wants to abandon all....just to see if this is real. I know in my head that God loves me without a doubt and is passionate about me and my destiny being fulfilled. But the heart? Luke 9:24 says "Self sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self." Elisabeth Elliot goes on to say, "Love is the way to maturity. Selfishness stunts growth and keeps us in a spiritual playpen." I want out of the playpen! I need to look at sacrifice sqauare in the eyes and say, Its worth it!!!!! I dont want to care more about myself than I do about others. But man its hard to die to self! "Giving up the rights to the Kingdom of Me goes against the grain of self, but it inevitably leads to a life beyond our wildest imaginiation!" - Kay Warren.

So thats when the stirring began. Throughout the day, I had been thinking of the children's home in tennessee that I had been introduced to earlier last year. I was stirred then to apply, but then fear stepped in and I decided that the time wasnt right. Then another opportunity arose to apply, but I decided that it still wasnt time (or maybe the fear of self sacrifce was still too intense!) But tonight, the ache in my heart for those children was so intense. Its as if everything was coming together in my mind and heart. I feel called to be a wife and mother, but at this time, thats not what God has for me. And I am learning to be ok with that. But those things within me that are longing to come out....matched up with those children who need love, attention and guidance need someone......so why not abandon what you've known and go love on my children Melissa? What?????? Letting go of a job that I love. Letting go of financial security and income. Letting go of personal space and time. Letting go of the freedom to pick up and go and do as I please. Moving to a distant state? With knowing no one? Moving away from family?

"If you love me, pick up your cross and follow me." -God

So while none of this makes sense in the mind, it all makes sense in the heart. The last months have been preparation for something. I believe it with all my heart. I've grown accustomed to not knowing what the next day holds. I've gotten used to meeting new people on a daily basis. I've begun to seperate more and more from my house and the hard times back home in Lancaster. And Ive gotten to know myself so much more and the things that I was created to do. This time by no means has been wasted. The Lord has blessed me with a wonderful job and great co workers. He's blessed me with a church body and new friendships. He's blessed me with the joys of family and being an aunt. He's blessed me with time to learn who I am and blossom more as a woman. Its been great! And yet that thing within me that says there's more. I was created to love, serve and encourage others. I was created to love on babies and children. While God is present here, I feel as though He is calling me to enter into a life of surrender. Total surrender! I dont know what that does to you when you speak that out, but everything within me tenses up and I just want to scream aghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

My thoughts are new and fresh, but I want to continue to process this possibility. Im going to apply for this volunteer position at the Wears Valley Ranch for the next school year. I feel ready to break off from my house if needed. Yes, that even means selling it. (Wow, never thought I could say that!) Im ready to step away from my job for a season and bless and serve others. One neat thing is that Id be 2 hours from Kristin. Not bad! And the timing of all this is significant. My 3rd assingment ends the end of may. I go to africa for 2 weeks in June. And then I could take a month off to prepare if needed.

So Lord, I seek continue guidance. I long for confirmation that this is the direction for me. But at the same time, I sense that you are asking me to take steps and that you will open and close doors as you please. I know how serious you take these words of "I surrender." Im not there yet, but Im on my way. Continue to change my heart, allowing me to experience your love more fully, so I can fully trust you!

Will you volunatrily surrender the keys to the Kingdom of ME and accept Jesus' dangerous invitation to deny yourself , take up your cross and follow Him?

hungry prayers

Oh Lord, you have searched me and know my thoughts even before I speak them out. You know the desires on my heart and the ache in my soul for more of you. I choose this day to surrender to you and lay all things at your feet. For it is you and you alone that I long to seek. While your blessings are full of love and grace, I long to seek you for who you are and nothing more. I confess my selfish ways and the times that I seek other thinsg before you. I confess that I have created a little world for myself and have clung to it for dear life....and seeing it become a god in my life. I confess the way that I have placed marriage at such a high esteem and seeking a husband /relationship more than Ive sought you. I confess the times that I have turned to food as comfort, as celebration, and have allowed it to control my days. You Lord are the one that I seek. You Lord are the one that I long to crave every moment of the day. During this time of fasting Lord, I ask for more of you. I have no idea what that looks like. But I long to hear your voice. I long to see your face. Please Lord, I ask for breakthrough in my life. Thank you for your blessings and your protection during this time of waiting and searching and healing. But bring forth your destiny for me. Or at least give me an open door so that with faith, I will walk through it. Lord break the control of food in my life. And Lord, raise up the men of faith who will seek you with all of their heart. May the hunger pains be a reminder of my need for you. More then bread I need you Lord! I have great expectations for this week Lord. Meet me in new ways.