a new year

My prayer for this year is simple. It comes from a song by Julie Myer that continues to resonate deep in my spirit. The words are simple:

"Pick me up like a paintbrush God. Dip it in the colors of my life."

Lord, I want this year to be one great surprises, sweet breakthroughs, needed change, and for love to be awakened. I want to be a part of bringing your kingdom to earth. "Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. And all these things shall be added unto you." Remind me to seek you first. I trust you with all the details. Seriously Lord, I trust you. Now, its your turn:-)

the life of a blog stalker

This post goes out to my dear friend Regina. She is one of the most gifted photographers I know. She has this amazing gift of capturing a moment in a photograph. Check her out at www.radiantimages.blogspot.com
As the official blog stalker, I encourage you to simply become one.....

Love you girl!

I love this thing!

ok, not sure how many of you have ever heard of Skype, but frankly, I think its amazing. Purely amazing. One of my best friends is overseas in Kosovo for 6 months or more. It was so hard to see her go. But thanks be to God for the amazing gift that technology is! We are able to chat for free while getting to see each other face to face. So Sweet!

air to breath

So Im not really sure what broke last night, but today, I awoke a little lighter, a little more hopeful. I don't really care what shifted, or how God did it, but Im beyond thankful. Just reminded once again that there's so much more to life. When we get so focused on something, everything fades away. I don't want tunnel vision. No matter how much my heart desires something. The battle lies not so much in waiting for the desires to be fulfilled or in questioning God's timing, but rather, in releasing the desires and asking for clear vision and an obedient heart to respond to God's heart. Gosh, I feel so small tonight. Here I am, asking for a husband, when there's so much more going on around me. God, give me fresh perspective.

wrestle in the waiting

There's much going through my mind and my heart these days. Some of it I'd like to ignore, to push under the rug, to pretend that everything is great. That's who I am, who I've always been . I hate conflict. I hate tension. I hate disappointment and unrest. I want things to be peaceful and smooth and life giving for everyone. But I'm coming to learn that that's just not life. And that its in these times when life can be born. Its like labor. You can't have a child, this beautiful amazing creature, without the pain and agony of labor. Oh how I want to just push a button and have what I want. I'm realizing more and more how much I'm a product of this microwave culture. I don't want to wait. I don't want to work for anything. Oh the flesh! I have so much to learn and so far to go.

Over the past weeks and months, I have often fought to stay above water. I keep pressing through life's disappointments and unmet longings and keep my eye and focus on what is good, what is right. I always seemed to find a balance between the pain and longings with the contentment that only Christ can give. But over the last days and weeks, I've fallen. I've found myself deep in the pain and confusion that life has brought my way. It's amazing how the enemy loves to sneak in and get a grip on areas of your life that cause hardship and struggle. For me, I was hit hard with insecurities. And it sucked the life out of me! I've become so self protective. I've been hurt so much in the past and Im afraid to risk. Its been a hard couple of weeks in the fact that I've found myself unable to move above this discontentment and frustration. I find myself wrestling with God. It almost feels wrong. I initially felt shame for my lack of trust and faith in Him. But I can't fake it. I can't pretend that everything is ok. I can't act like I have it all together. And so, I wrestle. I wonder what is on the other side of this storm. Will there be calm waters? Will there be sunshine, or even a rainbow? Lord, where is the faith that I had growing within me, giving me strength to carry me day by day? I don't want to be an experiencial, emotional christian. But Im afraid thats where I've found myself. Lord, from the depth of my heart, change me! Take this doubting and questioning heart of mine and mold it, shape it, create something new. Fill it, infuse it with hope.

A friend said to me that she believes its ok to be in this place, in wrestling with God. Within the tension, may Christ be revealed. May His purpose and plans for this time come about. So while the peacemaker and comfort seeker in me is crying out for calm waters, I know that with labor brings about new life. Its this hope that keeps me going.

chemo and coffee

Well today was my first day of work in the past 2 1/2 months. And to top that, it is in a field of nursing that I've never experienced. No longer am I living amidst laboring moms and crying newborns. No longer will I wake at 4pm and go to bed at 8am. No longer will I be sleep deprived at church or miss a holiday gathering. I feel like Im growing up!

Waking up this morning, I was filled with much excitement, anticpation, nervousness and a little fear. Its as if I was going to school for the very first time. What to expect? Will they like me? Will I be happy hear? After an official clock in and a quick tour, I was thrown into the fast pace world of oncology nursing. I watched as the patients slowly filtered in to the chemo treatment room. It was obvious that this was not their first time. They each selected a chair, grabbed a cup of coffee and settled in for what could be their entire morning. Some came alone. But others came with their spouse or a friend. You could sense some anxiety on their part, and definately some weariness. The nurses made their way in total teamwork fasion from patient to patient....starting IV's, mixing the drugs that would work hard to kill the cancer within, premedicate to avoid the nasty chemo effects like nausea and vomitting, and then patrol the room making sure that their were no adverse reactions. The nurses worked together like a well oiled machine. I love the sense of teamwork and togetherness that was there. I found myself excited to work with these women.

But throughout the day, I faced a variety of thoughts. "Give me my babies back!" "What am I doing here?" "How long will I feel this dumb?" "Well, it can work." "Learning is kind of fun again." "Wow, the opportunities are endless.'"

Come 4pm, I was ready to go home and loving the fact that I actually could! My first day as an oncology nurse was under my belt. And now.....let the learning begin!

expectations

This past week was our family vacation in New Hampshire. Every 2 years, my mom's side of the family has a family reunion somewhere in the US. Its a fun time to get away, experience a new place/state, enjoy catching up with family (who thankfully are all really cool people), and spending time together with our immediate family. I have sweet memories of past reunions, and its hard not to enter into them with expectations. Now, as we've gotten older, our times together are few and far between. These reunions have now become our own reunion of sorts, where we have high hopes to spend quality time with one another, have meaningful interactions, quality family time of games or just sitting down for dinner. But life seems to have 'happened' over the last couple of years. Change has wrecked havoc on us, or should I say, wrecked havoc on me. I always have had a hard time with change. And every time we are together as a family, all the emotions and intense feelings come to the surface. Its hard for me to let go of what was....to let go of expectations. Our time together this past week was nothing close to a vacation. There were intense emotions, short tempered women, events that pulled each of us in different directions, 2 little girls that had their own agendas, poor communication, and more. I found myself so caught up in what wasnt right, and how unsatisfied I was, that I missed many good opportunities. Now, I don't want you to think that my family is a mess and that Im miserable. I love them beyond words. But I needed to learn something this week. Family is messy! Yeah, I knew that, but I needed to be reminded of that. Secondly, expectations need to be left at the door. Change is unavoidable and adjustments are necessary (but they sure do stink sometimes!).

I was reminded yet again of how thankful I am for grace. We all needed it this week thats for sure. Its amazing how ugly the human self can be. I long to be at a place where I live and move and breath like Jesus. Im tired of hurting those I love with my words and actions (or lack there of). I long for something more, something better. Imagine what family will be like in heaven. Thats one family reunion I can't wait for!!!!