what happens when......

its funny what happens when you surrender............

Sitting in Starbucks today, with a warm cup of tea, a journal and my bible, I knew it was a special moment. It was my time away with the Father. The sun was shining outside and the sky a a sunset blue. There's nothing like the smell of good coffee with the hum of good conversation around you. Sitting on the soft, comfy chair, I opened up my journal from the last year. Reading through the pages, I was reminded once again of all the changes that have happened over the last years and how God was present during each and every one of them! Throughout the up and down emotions of life, the doubts, the questions, the fears and the joys, one constant remained. "I long for my destiny to come forth and be revealed!" Its so frustrating to be one of those people that want all the details up front and right now. I cant tell you all the times I cried out to the Lord for answers, for clarity, for wisdom. But Ive come to realize that wisdom isn't necessarily handed to us on a plate. He wants us to take steps towards him, towards what He is asking us to do. And from that, comes wisdom. I wonder why it has to be so hard sometimes. But then again, the reward, the victory, is just that much sweeter.

I'm amazed at how much and how often I ask for help, for understanding, for His gifts. My prayers have been so selfish lately. And I wonder why I'm not fulfilled, why the unsettledness continues, why I feel as though I'm not where I need to be. Its been so easy to stay focused on the self lately. Why not? Its just me. I go to work. I eat. I sleep. I travel. I shop. I have fun. I have my own agenda. Yes, along the way, I bless others and love on others when its convenient for me. If you love me, lay down your life, pick up the cross and follow me. I want to Lord! Everything in me wants to. But it seems as though i have come up with every excuse in the book. I'm not ready.....wait until I pay off my debts.....wait until I have a husband......not until its completely clear......can I really give up all that Ive come to know? I feel the battle in my spirit even as I acknowledge these thoughts right now. This battle has been going on for months, actually years. But I'm forever greatful for the Lords patience, and for the way that He has used these days to prepare me and mold me, regardless of my stubborn self. But today, more than ever, I feel a boldness and a readiness to dive in. I'm ready to jump. I'm ready to silence the voices of doubt and fear. For my God is able to do abundantly more than all we ask or imagine!

As I sifted through my journal, I came across an entry that I wrote during my time of doing a spiritual gifts and personality test with my mentor Sandy. Exhortation and Mercy with a leading towards being an advocate and advisor. Yes, this is me. This is what makes me fully alive. Following this entry was one that I wrote following my discovery of Wears Valley Ranch in TN. This is a Christian group home and school for children that exists to "promote the spiritual, emotional, intellectual, social and physical development of children in need of a stronger family support system through Christ centered homes." Throughout the last year, I have had a stirring in my heart multiple times to apply. But again, I had every excuse in the book to 'wait.' However, over the last months, as Ive acknowledged this unsettledness, this part of me that longs for more, for my destiny, I realize that I continue to try to satisfy that longing with other things. God has been so good and so kind to me as I've been searching and testing the waters. But I cant live in this place anymore. I feel an urgency in my spirit. Without a doubt, I need to apply to be a mentor/house parent assistant at the ranch.

What an opportunity this could be. It would be sacrificial, no doubt. But Christ promises so much more. So the application is complete. Lord, take this and do with it what you want. It is yours to have. Thank you for leading me and guiding me along throughout my life. I trust you.

What a journey folks.....what a journey.