wrestle in the waiting

There's much going through my mind and my heart these days. Some of it I'd like to ignore, to push under the rug, to pretend that everything is great. That's who I am, who I've always been . I hate conflict. I hate tension. I hate disappointment and unrest. I want things to be peaceful and smooth and life giving for everyone. But I'm coming to learn that that's just not life. And that its in these times when life can be born. Its like labor. You can't have a child, this beautiful amazing creature, without the pain and agony of labor. Oh how I want to just push a button and have what I want. I'm realizing more and more how much I'm a product of this microwave culture. I don't want to wait. I don't want to work for anything. Oh the flesh! I have so much to learn and so far to go.

Over the past weeks and months, I have often fought to stay above water. I keep pressing through life's disappointments and unmet longings and keep my eye and focus on what is good, what is right. I always seemed to find a balance between the pain and longings with the contentment that only Christ can give. But over the last days and weeks, I've fallen. I've found myself deep in the pain and confusion that life has brought my way. It's amazing how the enemy loves to sneak in and get a grip on areas of your life that cause hardship and struggle. For me, I was hit hard with insecurities. And it sucked the life out of me! I've become so self protective. I've been hurt so much in the past and Im afraid to risk. Its been a hard couple of weeks in the fact that I've found myself unable to move above this discontentment and frustration. I find myself wrestling with God. It almost feels wrong. I initially felt shame for my lack of trust and faith in Him. But I can't fake it. I can't pretend that everything is ok. I can't act like I have it all together. And so, I wrestle. I wonder what is on the other side of this storm. Will there be calm waters? Will there be sunshine, or even a rainbow? Lord, where is the faith that I had growing within me, giving me strength to carry me day by day? I don't want to be an experiencial, emotional christian. But Im afraid thats where I've found myself. Lord, from the depth of my heart, change me! Take this doubting and questioning heart of mine and mold it, shape it, create something new. Fill it, infuse it with hope.

A friend said to me that she believes its ok to be in this place, in wrestling with God. Within the tension, may Christ be revealed. May His purpose and plans for this time come about. So while the peacemaker and comfort seeker in me is crying out for calm waters, I know that with labor brings about new life. Its this hope that keeps me going.