revelations in the fast

Wow, its been a really intense couple of days, but its been filled with fulfillment, even in the hunger. Im amazed at how focused my quiet times have been. And Im amazed at how the Lord is placing things on my heart for me to share in with him. Its been a sweet time of intamacy. What has the Lord been showing me? I do have self control and I do have discipline! Its been so awesome to experience this God given gift! Its also been an honor to bring my family, friends and the body of ACTS before the father.

But what was the most life changing message for me came last night at work. Having some down town, I sat in the break room for some quiet meditation. I was encouraged in my spirit to pick up a book that I brought with me that I recently bought at the encouragement of my dad (called Dangerous Surrender, by Kay Warren). And thats when it began. God began to rock my world!

Will you decide to say yes to GOd, even before knowing the full implications of what that yes may mean for you? And her prayer echos in my heart : Im scared to surrender all to you. Im not entirely sure I can trust you with what matters most to me. But I want to know you. I want to love like you love, and hurt the way you hurt. I want to live the adventure of risking it all for you. I am saying yest to you right now, no matter what that yes entails.

I began to really examine what it means to surrender. Was I surrendered? Fully surrendered? I recognized those struggles that continue to keep me from entering into that place of total surrender. Giving up what I've come to know, things that bring physical comfort, selfish desires, my need to know and control, my want to know that I am not going to be jipped out of anything, and my fear of being lost and left behind. Gosh Melissa, do you not trust Him? Has he not proven Himself to you, the depth of his love and faithfulness over the past years? There's a part of me that just wants to abandon all....just to see if this is real. I know in my head that God loves me without a doubt and is passionate about me and my destiny being fulfilled. But the heart? Luke 9:24 says "Self sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self." Elisabeth Elliot goes on to say, "Love is the way to maturity. Selfishness stunts growth and keeps us in a spiritual playpen." I want out of the playpen! I need to look at sacrifice sqauare in the eyes and say, Its worth it!!!!! I dont want to care more about myself than I do about others. But man its hard to die to self! "Giving up the rights to the Kingdom of Me goes against the grain of self, but it inevitably leads to a life beyond our wildest imaginiation!" - Kay Warren.

So thats when the stirring began. Throughout the day, I had been thinking of the children's home in tennessee that I had been introduced to earlier last year. I was stirred then to apply, but then fear stepped in and I decided that the time wasnt right. Then another opportunity arose to apply, but I decided that it still wasnt time (or maybe the fear of self sacrifce was still too intense!) But tonight, the ache in my heart for those children was so intense. Its as if everything was coming together in my mind and heart. I feel called to be a wife and mother, but at this time, thats not what God has for me. And I am learning to be ok with that. But those things within me that are longing to come out....matched up with those children who need love, attention and guidance need someone......so why not abandon what you've known and go love on my children Melissa? What?????? Letting go of a job that I love. Letting go of financial security and income. Letting go of personal space and time. Letting go of the freedom to pick up and go and do as I please. Moving to a distant state? With knowing no one? Moving away from family?

"If you love me, pick up your cross and follow me." -God

So while none of this makes sense in the mind, it all makes sense in the heart. The last months have been preparation for something. I believe it with all my heart. I've grown accustomed to not knowing what the next day holds. I've gotten used to meeting new people on a daily basis. I've begun to seperate more and more from my house and the hard times back home in Lancaster. And Ive gotten to know myself so much more and the things that I was created to do. This time by no means has been wasted. The Lord has blessed me with a wonderful job and great co workers. He's blessed me with a church body and new friendships. He's blessed me with the joys of family and being an aunt. He's blessed me with time to learn who I am and blossom more as a woman. Its been great! And yet that thing within me that says there's more. I was created to love, serve and encourage others. I was created to love on babies and children. While God is present here, I feel as though He is calling me to enter into a life of surrender. Total surrender! I dont know what that does to you when you speak that out, but everything within me tenses up and I just want to scream aghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!

My thoughts are new and fresh, but I want to continue to process this possibility. Im going to apply for this volunteer position at the Wears Valley Ranch for the next school year. I feel ready to break off from my house if needed. Yes, that even means selling it. (Wow, never thought I could say that!) Im ready to step away from my job for a season and bless and serve others. One neat thing is that Id be 2 hours from Kristin. Not bad! And the timing of all this is significant. My 3rd assingment ends the end of may. I go to africa for 2 weeks in June. And then I could take a month off to prepare if needed.

So Lord, I seek continue guidance. I long for confirmation that this is the direction for me. But at the same time, I sense that you are asking me to take steps and that you will open and close doors as you please. I know how serious you take these words of "I surrender." Im not there yet, but Im on my way. Continue to change my heart, allowing me to experience your love more fully, so I can fully trust you!

Will you volunatrily surrender the keys to the Kingdom of ME and accept Jesus' dangerous invitation to deny yourself , take up your cross and follow Him?