Yet......

Yet Will I Praise
Let this be the only love song I write
Will You be the only love in my life ?
I asked You to draw me, I said I would run
So though I walk through the valley
Yet, will I trust
I asked you to call me,
I said I would come
So though I go up the mountain
Yet will I run
And though my song be taken from me
Yet will I sing, yet will I praise YOU
And though the joy be taken from me
Yet will I laugh, yet will I shout on YOU
And though the light be hidden from me
Yet will I walk, yet will I run after YOU
And the though my heart be slain within me
Yet will I trust Yet will I follow YOU'
Cause I know whatever YOU do
You do through the eyes of mercy
Oh, and nothing can be added to it
Nothing can be or taken away
There is a time for every purpose, under the heaven
So though my weeping may last for the night
Oh how your joy, it comes with the LIGHT...
Though my song be taken from me
Yet, will I sing, Yet will I praise YOU
Though my heart be slain within me
Yet will I trust
Yet will I follow after YOU

Psalm 30
Psalm 126:5-6

In process

Its been a while since Ive journaled. Much has been brewing and stirring. I've continued to search out my heart as to what I should do about renewing this contract or moving home. Its so hard to decide. I guess I should say, its hard to let someone down. Yes, my heart is calling me home. I look forward to taking some time off when I come home, to continue to work that was started while I was away. Im excited to take time to travel and see friends and family I havent seen in a while. Im thrilled to have Christmas off from work for once. I cant wait for the new little ehst'ling to arrive in January. There is much to look forward to. And yet, there continues to be a road of work ahead of me. I continue to seek out healing and wholeness in many areas of life. There is this desire in me to not settle for the little bit of growth and revelation that I've found over this past year. The Lord continues to peel back layers in my life, revealing new areas that He wants to get into and bring restoration. There is a tendency in me to want to just 'get there.' I hate the process. I should say that I dont like the time it takes to get there. Its a pattern in my life that Ive struggled with. Ive always wanted the 'easy way' out. Whether that was in practice, in studying, in diets.....but Im sure Im not alone. But not this time. There is too much at stake here. I want to clean house so to speak. While I know there's no arrival point, or destination to acheive (other than heaven of course....), I want to continue on towards the father. Im so thankful that I have the freedom to go as well as take time off. When else would I have the chance to do so?



I continue to lay before the Lord my present and my future. Its interesting how once you start to examine life, everything gets stirred up. Even the job that I have come to love Im questioning. Is there somewhere else that you might have me? There are two things that continue to come to mind: children's homes and coffee shops. What????? Whoever can put those two together or can find a way to persue those things, let me know. If I let myself go, my heart takes me to the school in Tennessee where they were wanting me to come and be a house parent/mentor......and then to this farm/children's home in Africa. But what would that look like? What Id have to give up! Then the creative person within me thinks of opening a coffee shop. Am I crazy? I have not one ounce of business in me, nor does anyone in my family. So I continually submit these things to the Lord, for Him to reveal in His timing.

come and rest

So it just hit me one evening as I drove into the work. Pulling into the parking lot, I looked ahead and saw the hospital's name on the side of the hospital" "Shady Grove Adventist Hospital." The words shady grove hit me hard. As I've been journaling and reflecting over the past weeks, its become obvious that this place and time has been filled with moment of revelation as I'm stepping into more of who I am. As I read those words, I felt this confirmation in my spirit that the Lord was calling me to come rest with Him along the shady grove. Ive had this image for weeks now of wanting to go out into a field, dance around in a beautiful dress, only to come to rest under a tree and just sit and be in the presence of the father. I almost feel like this time is just that! More and more moments are present where I find myself overcome with emotion of thanksgiving, love and appreciation for the Father. While I still don't get Him all the time, I simply love Him. I'm learning more and more how to say thanks without needing to ask for more. I'm learning how to ask forgiveness for the times when I've made decisions or choices in life to see if that would get me what I want. How selfish and self centered I was becoming. But if Jesus could love me through all that and more, how could I not love Him?

The last two days Ive been enjoying time with Ryleigh. Yesterday, we hit the mall for a play date over lunch. They have an adorable play area that she goes crazy at! Then a little chick-fillet before we came home. Last night I was blessed to be able to connect with some new friends from AXIS, the young adult group I've started attending. We watched the Redskins/Eagles game, with me being the lone Eagles fan. It was a sweet reminder of the Lord's provision. Today was another day with Ryleigh on another AMAZING day. Its absolutely gorgeous right now. So we hit the road for another play date at Burke Lake park. This area has awesome recreation parks. We walked by the lake, through the woods, and spent quite a bit of time at the playground. What a joy she is in my life! Its been an amazing gift to see her grow up before my eyes.

Its amazing.....these messages continue to come to me daily. And each one serves a specific purpose in this season of life. I continue to seek direction for my life on what it is the Lord has for me as this time in terms of job. Do I simply go back home to do nursing just because Ive done it for the last 5 years? I do love what I do, but still sense there's something more. So as I seek out more on desire and calling, here's yet another word from my email devotion. So I thought Id share. Enjoy!

The Clue09/16/2007
And I still haven’t found what I’m looking for. U2 There is a secret set within each of our hearts. It often goes unnoticed, we rarely can put words to it, and yet it guides us throughout the days of our lives. This secret remains hidden for the most part in our deepest selves. It is simply the desire for life as it was meant to be. Isn’t there a life you have been searching for all your days? You may not always be aware of your search, and there are times when you seem to have abandoned looking altogether. But again and again it returns to us, this yearning that cries out for the life we prize. It is elusive, to be sure. It seems to come and go at will. Seasons may pass until it surfaces again. And though it seems to taunt us, and may at times cause us great pain, we know when it returns that it is priceless. For if we could recover this desire, unearth it from beneath all other distractions and embrace it as our deepest treasure, we would discover the secret of our existence. We all share the same dilemma - we long for life and we’re not sure where to find it. We wonder if we ever do find it, can we make it last? The longing for life within us seems incongruent with the life we find around us. What is available seems at times close to what we want, but never quite a fit. We must journey to find the life we prize. And the guide we have been given is the desire set deep within, the desire we often overlook, or mistake for something else or even choose to ignore. The greatest human tragedy is simply to give up the search. There is nothing of greater importance than the life of our deep heart. To lose heart is to lose everything. And if we are to bring our hearts along in our life’s journey, we simply must not, we cannot abandon this desire. And so Gerald May writes, There is a desire within each of us, in the deep center of ourselves that we call our heart. We were born with it, it is never completely satisfied, and it never dies. We are often unaware of it, but it is always awake…Our true identity, our reason for being, is to be found in this desire. The clue as to who we really are and why we are here comes to us through our heart’s desire.

beautiful day

Wow, what an amazingly beautiful day! Unfortunately,I've only been able to enjoy about 1 hour of it each day over the last three days as Ive been working all weekend! Its been tough, my body aches, and the sun wakes me up early at 3pm every day. But Im surviving. Its amazing what this weather does to me. The coolness of the air, the bright blue sky and the gentle breeze 'awakes my heart to sing!' This by far is my favorite time of year. As I was driving home this morning, my thoughts took me back to a year ago this time. What a rich, full time it was for me. It was the beginning of a great work that was about to take place in my life. The Lord was moving and responding to my hearts cry. Community was forming, the Lord was speaking to me in ways I never imagined, a new roommate, new passions, and healing was coming! As I played 'the Blaze in your Gaze' on my car cd player, I was filled with this huge sense of awe and wonder towards the Lord. My heart was full of praise for this God who is so big, so kind, so loving, so mysterious, so creative, so ready and willing to take me in......I felt as though I couldnt find the words to express myself. So I just sat still, taking in the beauty of the morning, the melody of the music, and simply was just present in the moment. For as often as I struggle to understand God, to make sense of life, and ask 'why,' this place I found myself in was amazingly perfect.

I've started reading a book at the encouragement of my sister Kristin. The book is called, Revelations of a Single Woman: Loving the Life I Didn't Expect. Im absolutely devouring the book! Reading the title, one might think its yet another book that gives advice on how to make yourself 'marriable' or how to date right, or how to figure out whats wrong with you. Lord knows there are enough books out there written by married women who think they understand what you are going through. Well this book is one of the best, most real and honest books Ive read on this topic. Its absolutely dead on! The author writes in such an honest and real way that I find myself feeling as though she's writing my story. It feels SO GOOD to know that these thoughts and emotions that I feel are legitimate, and others feel similar things. There are so many things that i highlighted, but of course I don't have the book in front of me. But one of the things that sticks out to me is this thing of longing for a husband, and how Jesus can totally relate. Seriously???? Yes! Christ longs for his bride to return to him, to come to the fullness of life that he has for us. He longs for intimacy with his bride. I too long for that relationship with a husband.....for intimacy, for the fullness of love and all that a relationship brings. Wow......good stuff. Fresh perspective is so good!

So for today, I am called to be single. Who knows about tomorrow! For some reason the Lord has me in this place of singleness for the moment. So my prayer is that through this, the work of the Lord would be on display in my life like never before. Thank you Lord for this time! I cant say it enough. Be honored and glorified in me today!

thoughts on the future

Its been a good week. But I have three days of work in a row. Three days usually wipes me out, so I pray I make it! Thankfully its over a weekend, which usually is a little less busy at the hospital.

I've found myself being 'present' in life recently; trying not to focus on 'whats next.' Well, that last for about a week. On wednesday morning, my manager came to me and ask If I'd want to renew my contract for another three months and that she needs to know ASAP. AGHHH!!!!! As I've been journaling, thinking, and praying, I feel my heart being drawn back to Lancaster. Its my home. I want to be present there. But as I think about jumping back into work there, my heart draws back a bit. I want to do a little more before I start up again at work. So, here are my thoughts. Im looking into some opportunities to go to Africa during the beginning of December and then taking a month off after I get back to travel and help/be present for the birth of my niece or nephew. Its not that I dont like nursing. Its just that when else could I do this? Who knows....maybe I"ll drive across the US simply because I can! Any takers?

So I continue to pray for direction and guidance. But I know.....the adventure continues.

Life again

Sitting here, on the couch in my home... the one in Lancaster that is......with the sounds of people. the smells of food in the kitchen, and the ability to relate and converse again....its as if life is being restored once again. These things that I have longed for, that have been vacant in recent months have returned yet again. But its a new kind of life. I'm reminded that this place will never be as it once was. I'm going to need to relearn a lot of things, like how to relate to people I haven't known very long; how to adjust to different styles of living; being used to having dishes in the sink, or someone in the bathroom, or noise in the living room. This house represents community and life. Isn't that what Ive longed for?

Oh Lord, I feel the shift. I feel the changes starting to happen. I recognize things in me that were never there before. How can I go back to the way things were. I so desire to be back in this place, to experience the fullness of what will be present here. But there still remain so many unknowns. I believe that many of the passions and giftings you've placed in me are best used in the nursing field. Yet there's so many other things! I don't want to live with blinders. So direct my heart....direct me mind.....stir things in my heart that maybe I've never noticed before.....raise up the strength needed to be bold and make a change, or do something new, or unpredicted.

There's simple no other place that Id rather be than in your arms of love Jesus. Continue to transform me, making me new everyday....more and more like you.

thoughts from the harbor

What a wonderful day yesterday. I had the privilege of spending the day with Josh and Dan in Baltimore. Since they were in the area, now my area, we decided to meet and take the train into downtown Baltimore and spend the afternoon at the inner harbor. Not only were we blessed with good company and great conversation, but great weather as well. We hit the IMAX theatre for a movie on Dinosaurs, which still leaves me baffled. Then we walked around, enjoying the sites as we waited for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. As we sat outside and ate on the patio, my heart was full. I was reminded yet again of the Lord's goodness and provision in my life. Blessed by the presence of these two brothers, blessed by intentional and challenging conversation that was real, open, and honest, blessed to have friends who respect, care for, and support me..... the more I think about it, the more I recognize the significance of being here at the harbor. A harbor is a place of shelter and refuge, protecting an area from storms, and is deep enough to anchor a ship. In the past, I have felt alone, 'left behind,' weak and unprotected. But tonight, I was reminded of the truth that exists in my friendships. God, you are showing me more and more that there are people in my life that are walking with me, caring for me, and in a sense, are part of what makes my 'harbor.' While you are my ultimate protector and sustainer, I praise you for allowing me see the glimpses of you in my life. I thank you for these brothers and for what they add to my life. I thank you for the friends that are part of the weaving of my past, present, and future. And I thank you for moments like these that fill me with thanksgiving, and bring hope for the future!

thoughts of the morning

After a long, good night of work with welcoming 2 new lives into the world, Im getting ready to head home for the weekend. Its a beautiful day, a new day, a day of life. I subscribe to an email devotion from Ransomed Hearts, by John and Staci Eldrith. Its been one of the many divine ways the Lord has been speaking to me. This mornings struck a cord again with me. It resonates deeply with the things in my heart. So I thought Id share. Be blessed today!


“Beauty overwhelms us, enchants us, fascinates us, and calls us.” (Fr. Andrew Greeley)For a woman to unveil her beauty means she is offering her heart.Not primarily her works or her usefulness (think Martha in the kitchen). Offering her presence. At family gatherings my mother hid in the kitchen. She cooked and baked and prepared and served and cleaned and for the life of us, we couldn’t get her out of there. We wanted her to share her life with us, her thoughts, her ideas, not just her effort. She wouldn’t come. And we were less because of it.The gift of presence is a rare and beautiful gift. To come unguarded, undistracted, and be fully present and fully engaged with the one whom we are with. Have you noticed in reading the Gospels that people enjoyed being around Jesus? They wanted to be near him – to share a meal, take a walk, have a lingering conversation. It was the gift of his presence. When you were with him, you felt he was offering you his heart. When we offer our unguarded presence, we live like Jesus. And we invite others to do the same.

thoughts on worship

So tonight I went to Axis, a young adult life group for singles at Church of the Redeemer. I was greeted warmly by two young women who wanted to know a bit about who I was and what brought me to Maryland. By the time the gathering started, there were about 25 people there. It seems as though the epidemic occurs here as well. What epidemic you may ask? The over population of females, or the underpopulation of males. Either way, its everywhere! But regardless of that small fact, it was so good to be with other folks my age, and fellowship and dig into the word. The night was centered around this passage: Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth." We broke into groups and battled questions like, 'what is worship? Where does it originate? How do we worship in spirit and in truth?' While most focused on the actual set aside time of prayer, worship, and mediation (whether with others or alone), my heart continued to go to the idea that I want my life to be a life of worship. In my everyday coming and going, I want my life song to be honoring to the Lord. My spirit continues to grow deeper and deeper in awe of who this Great God is. From the vastness of the galaxies, to the creation that exists on the earth, to the patience and forgivenes of the Father, to the sweet surprises that await me around the bend....my spirit longs to worship the Creator of it all! How can it not? Im learning that even when life is crappy or crazy or just doesnt make sense, the deepest part of who I am still comes back to worship the God who knows all. Thank you Lord for placing that within me. I ask for more of it! I ask for a deeper hunger and longing to wait and rest in your presence.

I've also been realizing how much Ive missed being part of the worship team at ACTS. Its something Ive grown to love and appreciate so much. I think tonight I realized just how much an honor and privilege and responsibility it is to lead others into the Lord's presence. And just how important it is to prepare my own heart before I can help lead others to that place.

What a good day. Thank you God for waking me up to a new day. Thank you for the ability to run and exercise (which I needed to badly today!) Thank you for the ability to see the area, for a car that works, and 4 inflated tires! Thank you for the ability to try new foods and the ability to taste its uniqueness (I tried some Greek food at Moby Dick's House of Kabob's). Thank you for the journey.

I'm looking forward to coming home this weekend. Will be good to worship with my family at Acts. And to welcome another gal to the house on Ross St.

All I can say Lord is thank you for the journey.

Gratitude

Tonight, my heart is full of gratitude. Over the last few weeks, my spirit was in a continual 'crying out mode', where I was seeking answers, purpose, clarity, and peace. Looking back I was rarely still and quiet before the Lord. Then after this weekend, I finally experienced being still before the Lord and it was so life giving. Yesterday, "Just Be" was the the theme of the day. Work was again another busy night, but I had many moments to just "be" me before my coworkers and my patients and it was sweet. I'm finding myself more and more comfortable there. Thank you Jesus!

Today was a day off. After a few hours of sleep, I headed to spend the afternoon with Ryeigh so Ryan could get out to do some work. One of my commitments during this time away is to give of myself to Ryan and his family at least one day a week. Its such a privilege and blessing to be so close to them and serve them in love. We laughed, we played, we napped and we ate together. On my way home, I stopped at the mall to buy a new cell phone, and a few groceries at the store. And now at 1140 pm, I'm cozy on the couch journaling and watching the US Open. Not to mention having enjoyed a little bowl of ice cream.

The events of my day causes thankfulness and gratitude to rise in my spirit. What a time this is for me! Thank you God for freedom to be me in a new place. Thank you for a schedule that allows me time off to give to others. Thank you that I'm able to make day trips to see Ryan, Amanda, and Ryleigh. Thank you God that you are providing for me in every way. Thank you God for the quietness of the evening, for the freedom to sit and watch tennis. I'm quickly reminded how things will change in the future...when a husband and children will compete for my attention, when the quiet is not so quiet, and my time is not so free. Thank you God for loving me enough to allow me to step out of what Ive come to know in Lancaster, to experience a freshness and a glimpse of something new. Thank you for your presence in my life, for your hand on my back, gently leading and guiding me through the challenges, confusion and questions in life. Thank you for not letting go! And thank you for ice cream!

O come, let us sing unto the LORD: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation. Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful noise unto him with psalms. For the LORD is a great God, and a great King above all gods. In his hand are the deep places of the earth: the strength of the hills is his also. The sea is his, and he made it: and his hands formed the dry land. O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the LORD our maker."

To the heart

Today Im reminded of something I heard at a Jason Upton concert. It was simple yet hits the heart.

Be still and know that I AM GOD.
Be still and know that I AM.
Be STILL AND KNOW.
BE STILL.
BE.

Simple words to live by.

gentle whispers

What a blessed weekend I have had! It was such a joy to be able to spend several days with the entire family. Starting out with a very slow ride home from BWI airport, Kristin and I had a great chance to catch up and reconnect. We shared stories, reflected on the present, and reminisced on the past. What a sweet time we had, even though it took us an extra hour or so to get home with all the labor day traffic. As we drove through our old stomping grounds, memories came flooding back. Its amazing how far we have come! But as we drove down the lane, with the open fields around us, the sweet smell of the country and the stars gleaming in the night sky, I felt it. You know, that sense of home. The feeling that the world is right, that life is good, that you are loved and protected and cared for. The feelings of old when life was simple and carefree. Even if it was just for the weekend, it was just what I needed. I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful weekend. The farm was aglow with beauty as the yard was freshly mowed, the flowers in full bloom, and the fields freshly plowed. The cool breeze was refreshing as the sun bathed the earth with its rays. Even the birds sang sweeter than ever. This feeling of home is something that I have longed for during my time away. I've always been a 'homebody.' I can remember growing up how hard it was for me to even spend one night away from home, with feelings of homesickness springing up at any moment. Its amazing how far I've come over the years. My spirit was longing to be home. While its true yearning is for heaven, the farm is my earthly home, with the presence of my parents, brother and sisters. And now, my little niece Ryleigh too! Being home brought up many emotions from the past four weeks. I was overwhelmed with love and the presence of family. Sometimes, the best medicine is just being home. I praise God for my family and for the beautiful earthly place we can call home together.

On Saturday, Kristin and I had the privilege of spending time with our grandparents. I was once again overwhelmed with the the goodness of the Lord in how He blessed us with such amazing Godly examples. I left feeling loved, supported, and encouraged in the journey. Pop Ehst never ceases to amaze me as He is more in love with Jesus that ever. The scriptures are so alive to him and he continues to use them to speak life into those he comes in contact with. His encouragement to strive for holiness....to stay in the presence of the father......good stufff pop!

Sunday morning I decided to stay home from church. Instead I went outside to spend time with Jesus. It was yet again another beautiful day. I found my way out to pond, where I nestled in to a hammock, by the pond's waterfall, the running creak, crickets singing, and the cool breeze blowing. It was just about perfect. God was everywhere! And so I just laid still, soaking in His presence. After a while, I began to hear the sweet whispers of the father. After many questions of Lord, what is it that you have for me? Whats next? What do I do after the 13 weeks are up? I heard,Melissa, "Just be present where you are, for where you are, I am.' Here I was, finally in the new place that I had longed to be, and I was already searching for the next thing. I question what my purpose is here and now. I will confess, I have had many expectations for this time, and a pressure on myself to do something great with my time. Its almost like I was saying, Well Lord, if I have to be single, I might as well do something grand and adventurous and life changing with my time. But in those moments, I heard the gentle whispers of the father calling me to just be present and be me. God is in the small things....in the everyday comings and goings. Its in the way we love others, the way we bless others at work, in our simple interactions, in our hello's to a stranger.......there's no pressure melissa! No pressure to be or become someone great. Just be who you are and follow my lead, says the father.

So that's what I will do. I will be Melissa in Gaithersburg MD. I will be Melissa at Shady Grove. I will be Melissa at the apartment complex. I will just be! And wil I am being, I will discover more about who I am. I want to take risks. I want to explore. I want to pursue others. I want to love more deeply. I want to share joy. I want to give freely. I want to be the hands of Jesus.

My heart feels as though its being drawn back home to Lancaster. I do feel connected there. I do feel life there. And if its Lancaster that I come home to in 2 months, then I will be fully present there too! No more Dixie cups with little bits of water. I want a well spring!

Thank you God for the gift of whispers. I pray that my ears will always be open to hear your sweet voice.