Oh Mary.....

I've recently started a new devotional by Beth Moore, simply called, "Jesus." It begins in Luke, where the story begins of the One and Only. I've begun to marvel more and more at who Mary was. This young 13 year old girl, set to be married, unaware of all that was to come. And yet when the message was clear before her, that she would carry the Holy One, she asked simply "How can this be?" And after Gabrielle explained, she simply said "I am the Lords servant." I'm so amazed at this young woman. I think back to my teenage years and wonder how I would have responded. I know for sure that I didn't have the spiritual maturity to respond as she did. I would have questioned, continually looking for answers that made sense. I would have battled insecurities, doubt, and the fear of failure. "But Lord, I'm not good enough. Look at the mess Ive made! I'm sure there's someone better." But no, Mary took on her new position, her very important job. She was fully surrendered to God. Its that place of full surrender that I'm still trying to find, am I'm 14 years her senior!. Oh Lord, thank you for your patience. Thank you for those spiritual giants that have gone before us. Thank you for the gift of Jesus, and for the example that Mary is to us all.

thankful

Seems appropriate during this time of year to reflect on the things that cause a spirit of thanksgiving to rise up in me. My aunt and uncle asked me to share during our family thanksgiving time of what it is I'm thankful for during this season of life. Right away, an element of excitement rose in me. These opportunities are sweet times to be reminded of what the Lord has and is doing in my life. This is not wasted time, but time of the Lord's work and preparation. So its with joy that I share those things that I am so thankful for.

Lets get it started........

Life..
An opportunity to be who I was created to be.
Laughter.
Joy.
Sweet smell of babies.
My job.
Freedom to travel.
Opportunity to explore.
Newness.
Fresh faces.
New people.
My car.
Patience in the beltway traffic jams.
Mom and Dad who listen and love whole heartedly.
Prayer warriors - grandparents.
Sandy.
Kristin.
Ryan and Amanda.
Being an aunt to Ryleigh.
A house.
A house full of awesome women who take care of my house.
Frontline.
Memories.
Pink Monkeys.
Sisterhood.
Melanie.
Discontentment- that pushes me out of what Ive known, into a place of unknown excitement.
God's faithfulness.
His promises.
Intimacy with Jesus.
Captivating.
The seasons.
Worship.
Music.
Candles- their flame, their warmth, their scents.
Hugs.
Sleeping without a set alarm.
Fresh sheets.
Dreams for the future.
Hope.
Pure love.
Back rubs.
A newborns first cry.
Time.
Divine moments.
Shooting stars.
Jesus.
Sacrifice.
His death and resurrection.
New life.
Promises.
Wholeness.
Joy.
His patience.
His perseverance.
His faithfulness.
His provision.
His unconditional love.
His healing.
His forgiveness.
His restoration.
His plans.
His perfect timing.
His desire for the best.
I am thankful for everyday, for every moment that is given to me. I'm thankful for the work that the Lord is doing in and around me. I'm blessed to know Him and to be known by Him. There's no other place that Id rather be. You are truly amazing Lord Jesus. May I continue to be refined more and more into your likeness. May I learn to set aside the things of that are not of you, those things that separate me from you. Continue to stir in me this level of discontentment. May it push me towards you more and more everyday. Reveal to me what it is your calling me to. Thank you for hearing my hearts desires. Thank you for being a trustworthy God. Lord, I'm amazed by you.

the waiting

Couldn't have said it any better. If you have ever asked the Lord "why?', here's something that may bring a little understanding.

"Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried. Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied. Bent down on my knees I plead and I wept for a clue to my fate and the master so gently while looking at me said, 'child, you must wait'. 'Huh, wait? You say wait!' was my reply. Lord, I need answers, I need to know why! Is your hand shortened? or have you not heard? By faith I have asked and am claiming on your word. My future and all to which I can relate, hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait? I'm needing a 'yes', a go ahead sign, or even a 'no' to which I can resign. And Lord, you promised that if we believe we need but to ask, and we shall receive. And Lord, I've been asking and this is m cry: I'm weary of asking! I need a reply! Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate as my Master replied once again, 'you must wait'. So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut and grumbled to my God, 'So I'm waiting...for what?'. He seemed then to kneel and his eyes wept with mine, and he tenderly said, 'I could give you a sign, I could shake the heavens and darken the sun, I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run, all you seek, I could give you and pleased you would be, you would have what you want, but you wouldn't know me, you'd not know the depth of my love for each saint, you'd not know the power that I give to the faint, you'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair, you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there, you'd not know the joy of resting in me, when darkness and silence were all you could see, you'd never experience that fullness of love, as the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove, you'd know that I give and I save (for a start), but you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart, the glow of my comfort late into the night, the faith that I give when you walk without sight, the depth that's beyond getting just what you asked of an infinite God, who makes what you have last, you'd never know, should you pain quickly flee, what it means that 'My Grace is sufficient for thee'. Yes, the dreams for you and your loved ones overnight would come true, but, oh, the loss, if you lost what I'm doing in you. So be silent my child and in time you will see that the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me. And though often my answers seem terribly late, my most precious answer of all is still 'wait'

Amazed

Oh Lord, you never cease to amaze me. I'm more and more aware of your presence in my life. I thank you and praise you for who you are. Your blessings and provision to me are life giving. But my heart knows that you alone are life. My spirit longs to know you more, to be more like you, to love as you love, to see with your eyes, and to hear with such clarity that only you can bring. I'm in process, so I ask for patience as I continue to miss opportunities and make a mess sometimes. But you are so gracious.

The After Eve conference was a joy to be at. The conference itself was ok, but what came of it was even sweeter. The Lord put in my path some pretty neat young women, all of who attend Frontline. It was awesome to get to know some of their stories. Many are here in the area for work. So each of us told the other of our journey of how we got here and what we are looking and longing for. At one of the dinner breaks I had the opportunity to go back to one of the homes of two of the girls I met. We ate and fellowshiped together and it was so easy to be together. I was uplifted and encouraged no doubt. Saturday provided even more opportunity to connect. I met several more women who then invited me to a bonfire that night. It was a joy to be in the presence of so many young vibrant people.

Its a start of something....I can feel it. There's a little fear however. Can I go through this again? Finding my way into a new social group? Can I find friends? I just want to get there....to be in relationship, those solid life giving relationships like I have and have had before. But no Melissa, that takes time. Be patient and enjoy the ride.

I find out tomorrow if I can stay at Shady Grove for sure. There is such anticipation for that. I'm trusting you Lord!

As I look back over the past couple of months, I'm amazed at the journey. From desperation, to depression, to the anointed times of women's retreats, to love and pursuit of Captivating, to a new year of life, to Frontline, to the present, what a journey. God I don't want to get focused on everything that's going on around me. I don't want to focus on the blessings. Lord, my eyes are set on you! You are my hearts desire.

Like journal....like blog

So it seems to go the same way for me.....whether its a journal or a blog, life always seems to run away with me and I forget to take the time to put my reflections on paper. Much has happened over the last month. I'm now another year older and wiser. Its my hope and prayer that this new year will continue to be filled with growth and joy and met desires. There is much hope for this year! My birthday weekend was pretty special. I picked up my scrapbook that my friend Danae had done for me for the first five years of my life. It was emotional looking through the book, seeing pictures of me, the helpless infant, the innocent child, not knowing what the coming years would hold. I headed home to the farm for some sweet time with mom and dad on the farm. Mom made a special meal for me and ten of my friends from home, some of whom I haven't seen in years. It was surreal sitting around the table, seeing my old buddies now all grown up, married, children, and some on the way. My how far we've come. It was a joy to sit and reconnect with one another, catch up on life, encourage and enjoy the beautiful weather. Sunday evening some of my family came over for pie and ice cream, followed by a nice brunch in the morning with my mom, aunt and grand mom. It was a sweet weekend, celebrating what was, what is, and what is to come.

Its hard to believe that I only have 3 weeks left in my assignment. Weeks ago, my plan was to come home after the assignment was over. In fact, just two weeks ago, that was my plan. But after many prayers, quiet times, and reflecting on my passions and needs in life right now, it has become clear what needs to happen next. On my way to work one night, as I was thinking about how much I enjoyed working with my coworkers, how much I was growing to the area down here, and how much life I was beginning to feel, I heard 'why don't you stay at Shady Grove." It was as if a light bulb went on. I had turned myself off to the idea weeks ago. But now, it felt so right. The following Sunday I went to a new church at McLean Bible Church, called Frontline. Its a church for 20-30's in the DC area. I was overwhelmed as I entered in to the building. Thousands of young people........where did they all come from???? I felt life rising within me. Even as I sat by myself, I did not feel alone. This church, while it is a 'mega church,' does it right. They are passionate followers of Christ that long for community, relationship, worship, serving, and ministering to the needs of the DC area. Right away, I was introduced to the newcomers group, encouraged to get plugged in with small groups, opportunities to serve and use your gifts and passions. There was life here....life that I have longed for. This confirmed my desire to stay in the area. But there was one minor glitch.......my position was just given away to another traveler. I was a week late in giving my manager my notice. But she said she was going to push for another position, but Id have to wait til Monday. And so I wait.....but fully trusting the Lord for his provision. Ive made my request known...my desires know....and will wait for the best. I spoke with my recruiter today and she said that she talked with the hospital and they said that I was already approved for the position, they were just waiting for the managers go ahead. Amen!!!!! While its not completely official, there is hope!

I do have mixed feelings however. Its hard to think about being away from Lancaster. It has been my home for 5 years. I have many dear friends (some of you may be reading this) that I miss and long to stay connected to. But its become clear in the recent months that I do not feel at home anymore. Its as if the Lord is redirecting me....giving me a desire to step out and stretch. This thing in me that is longing for more.....I need to keep following that. I cant settle in to whats comfortable. I need to know. And so.....I will follow my heart and trust my Father in guiding it to new life.

Its been a journey. One year ago, if I would have known that Id be in this place doing what I'm doing I would have said no way. But desperateness pushed me out and look at what Ive found. Thank you Jesus for your kindness and mercy and grace. Grace!!!!