Well today was my first day of work in the past 2 1/2 months. And to top that, it is in a field of nursing that I've never experienced. No longer am I living amidst laboring moms and crying newborns. No longer will I wake at 4pm and go to bed at 8am. No longer will I be sleep deprived at church or miss a holiday gathering. I feel like Im growing up!
Waking up this morning, I was filled with much excitement, anticpation, nervousness and a little fear. Its as if I was going to school for the very first time. What to expect? Will they like me? Will I be happy hear? After an official clock in and a quick tour, I was thrown into the fast pace world of oncology nursing. I watched as the patients slowly filtered in to the chemo treatment room. It was obvious that this was not their first time. They each selected a chair, grabbed a cup of coffee and settled in for what could be their entire morning. Some came alone. But others came with their spouse or a friend. You could sense some anxiety on their part, and definately some weariness. The nurses made their way in total teamwork fasion from patient to patient....starting IV's, mixing the drugs that would work hard to kill the cancer within, premedicate to avoid the nasty chemo effects like nausea and vomitting, and then patrol the room making sure that their were no adverse reactions. The nurses worked together like a well oiled machine. I love the sense of teamwork and togetherness that was there. I found myself excited to work with these women.
But throughout the day, I faced a variety of thoughts. "Give me my babies back!" "What am I doing here?" "How long will I feel this dumb?" "Well, it can work." "Learning is kind of fun again." "Wow, the opportunities are endless.'"
Come 4pm, I was ready to go home and loving the fact that I actually could! My first day as an oncology nurse was under my belt. And now.....let the learning begin!
Monday, August 4, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
expectations
This past week was our family vacation in New Hampshire. Every 2 years, my mom's side of the family has a family reunion somewhere in the US. Its a fun time to get away, experience a new place/state, enjoy catching up with family (who thankfully are all really cool people), and spending time together with our immediate family. I have sweet memories of past reunions, and its hard not to enter into them with expectations. Now, as we've gotten older, our times together are few and far between. These reunions have now become our own reunion of sorts, where we have high hopes to spend quality time with one another, have meaningful interactions, quality family time of games or just sitting down for dinner. But life seems to have 'happened' over the last couple of years. Change has wrecked havoc on us, or should I say, wrecked havoc on me. I always have had a hard time with change. And every time we are together as a family, all the emotions and intense feelings come to the surface. Its hard for me to let go of what was....to let go of expectations. Our time together this past week was nothing close to a vacation. There were intense emotions, short tempered women, events that pulled each of us in different directions, 2 little girls that had their own agendas, poor communication, and more. I found myself so caught up in what wasnt right, and how unsatisfied I was, that I missed many good opportunities. Now, I don't want you to think that my family is a mess and that Im miserable. I love them beyond words. But I needed to learn something this week. Family is messy! Yeah, I knew that, but I needed to be reminded of that. Secondly, expectations need to be left at the door. Change is unavoidable and adjustments are necessary (but they sure do stink sometimes!).
I was reminded yet again of how thankful I am for grace. We all needed it this week thats for sure. Its amazing how ugly the human self can be. I long to be at a place where I live and move and breath like Jesus. Im tired of hurting those I love with my words and actions (or lack there of). I long for something more, something better. Imagine what family will be like in heaven. Thats one family reunion I can't wait for!!!!
I was reminded yet again of how thankful I am for grace. We all needed it this week thats for sure. Its amazing how ugly the human self can be. I long to be at a place where I live and move and breath like Jesus. Im tired of hurting those I love with my words and actions (or lack there of). I long for something more, something better. Imagine what family will be like in heaven. Thats one family reunion I can't wait for!!!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Shadowfeet
Wanted to share the lyrics to a song that captures so much. Enjoy!
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
You make all things new
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
-Brooke Fraser
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
You make all things new
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
-Brooke Fraser
Thursday, July 24, 2008
nursing books and coffee shops
This week was like a glimpse back into the world of nursing school. Up in the spare bedroom, tucked away in the corner, lives my old nursing textbooks. All 100 pounds of them. Seriously, those suckers are huge! I never really thought Id crack them open again, but couldnt stand to part with those books. Maybe its because I spent hundreds of dollars on them. Or maybe, just maybe, I realized that my nursing carear would take me on different paths. Either way, Im thankful for them.
Many ask, "What do you do with all your time?" Initially, Ive felt that I needed to justify my time off by speaking of productivity and purpose. I have never felt such purpose in just being. Its been so good! I can't say it enough. Anyway, this week was a week for coffee shops and nursing books. I've begun the process of switching the brain over to new subjects, new terminology, new drugs, and new procedures. I've figured Id start easing myself into the world of cancer and the 'cell cycle' while I'm praying I never forget all that Ive learned about the amazing world of labor and delivery.
Many ask, "What do you do with all your time?" Initially, Ive felt that I needed to justify my time off by speaking of productivity and purpose. I have never felt such purpose in just being. Its been so good! I can't say it enough. Anyway, this week was a week for coffee shops and nursing books. I've begun the process of switching the brain over to new subjects, new terminology, new drugs, and new procedures. I've figured Id start easing myself into the world of cancer and the 'cell cycle' while I'm praying I never forget all that Ive learned about the amazing world of labor and delivery.
Friday, July 11, 2008
He Is
Well, I don't know if anyone still checks this blog or not. Perhaps its only my sweet friend Rachel. But even if no one reads this, these words must be spoken, rather typed. Over the last 2 months since I've written, I've experienced the living God. I've seen His face, caught glimpses of His heart, heard His voice, experienced His love, and know that He is real, alive, and more than I've ever known or expected Him to be. At times, I find myself simply in awe and wonder at who this amazing God is. Why has He chosen me? Why does He love me? How does He have enough patience for me and my issues? And why is it all for free? Whats the catch here God???? But I've tasted and I've seen the Lord and its wrecked my world. All of the preconceived ideas about who He is.....all the things that the christian world taught me about who He is and the nice little box they gave me to keep Him in.....gone! Blown to pieces! And thanks be to God for that! Because Ive come to experience Him in such a real way. The things of my heart that have kept me from Him, the lies of the enemy, the strongholds of fear, doubt and the mind.....oh that mind! I thank Him for it, but at the same time I long to be free of it at times so as to enter into the secret places of His presence. I testify to who He is. HE IS amazing. HE IS all knowing. HE IS trustworthy. HE IS dependable. HE IS my redeemer. HE IS my sustainer. HE IS the lover of my soul. HE IS the one I long to be like. HE IS my protector. HE IS my father. HE IS my papa. HE IS my friend. HE IS the peace that passes all understanding. HE IS all that I need. HE IS patience at its best. HE IS untainted love. HE IS unconditional. HE IS the healer. HE IS the freedom giver. HE IS the blesser. HE IS the warrior. HE IS the gentle one. HE IS! HE IS! HE IS!
I am a new creation because of Him. I no longer live controlled by the spirits of fear, of rejection, of burden bearing. The realization that I don't need to strive to be in His presence, that I don't need to earn anything, is simply amazing. At times I don't know what to do with myself. So, I simply sit in His presence. I want to soak up everything about Him. At times, I feel lost in worship. I feel like I can't enter in. But what I'm learning is that if He is there, then just sit with him. Just be with him. His presence is like none other.
The concept of God as my father is one that has been in the process for a long time. I've worked through a lot with my own dad. Its amazing how our earthly relationships so easily transfer over to our heavenly ones. But God is showing me so much about who He is and is amazing love for me. Its so totally unconditional. I don't get it. I don't think I ever will. But one thing is for sure. There's no way I'm going to pass it up simply because I don't get it. No one in their right mind would pass up a million dollars just because they couldn't wrap their mind around why someone would just give it away. So I'm taking it Jesus, with a thankful and greatful heart. You are on the move no doubt. You are changing me, making me new. I look at all the newness in my life. I'm back home in Lancaster a new woman. I've seen the work you've done in my life and I'm living it out. I no longer need relationships to define me. I don't need a group to label 'my community.' I don't need an identity in other people. You are my identity. I am free to live and move according to your will for my life. I'm starting a new job aug. 4th. Who would have thought Id ever give up labor and delivery. But I was open and ready to whatever. And now, you've lead me to oncology nursing. My spirit is filled with anticipation of what that will be like, and how you will use me. I'm honored to be in such an awesome position to love, serve, encourage, and bless people in such a difficult situation. I long to understand and move in your healing anointing. But I don't quite understand it yet. But I trust that in your time, as I continue to move in your ways, that you will allow my heart and mind to understand. I simply receive all that you have for me.
Lord, don't let this passion and excitement fade away. I seek your boldness and confidence as I allow the Holy Spirit to move within me. I simply say that I am your hands and feet.
Thank you. My heart is full of gratitude and praise. Be forever honored and lifted high in my life. I love you daddy!
I am a new creation because of Him. I no longer live controlled by the spirits of fear, of rejection, of burden bearing. The realization that I don't need to strive to be in His presence, that I don't need to earn anything, is simply amazing. At times I don't know what to do with myself. So, I simply sit in His presence. I want to soak up everything about Him. At times, I feel lost in worship. I feel like I can't enter in. But what I'm learning is that if He is there, then just sit with him. Just be with him. His presence is like none other.
The concept of God as my father is one that has been in the process for a long time. I've worked through a lot with my own dad. Its amazing how our earthly relationships so easily transfer over to our heavenly ones. But God is showing me so much about who He is and is amazing love for me. Its so totally unconditional. I don't get it. I don't think I ever will. But one thing is for sure. There's no way I'm going to pass it up simply because I don't get it. No one in their right mind would pass up a million dollars just because they couldn't wrap their mind around why someone would just give it away. So I'm taking it Jesus, with a thankful and greatful heart. You are on the move no doubt. You are changing me, making me new. I look at all the newness in my life. I'm back home in Lancaster a new woman. I've seen the work you've done in my life and I'm living it out. I no longer need relationships to define me. I don't need a group to label 'my community.' I don't need an identity in other people. You are my identity. I am free to live and move according to your will for my life. I'm starting a new job aug. 4th. Who would have thought Id ever give up labor and delivery. But I was open and ready to whatever. And now, you've lead me to oncology nursing. My spirit is filled with anticipation of what that will be like, and how you will use me. I'm honored to be in such an awesome position to love, serve, encourage, and bless people in such a difficult situation. I long to understand and move in your healing anointing. But I don't quite understand it yet. But I trust that in your time, as I continue to move in your ways, that you will allow my heart and mind to understand. I simply receive all that you have for me.
Lord, don't let this passion and excitement fade away. I seek your boldness and confidence as I allow the Holy Spirit to move within me. I simply say that I am your hands and feet.
Thank you. My heart is full of gratitude and praise. Be forever honored and lifted high in my life. I love you daddy!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
whirlwinds of change
Its hard to believe its been almost 2 months since I've blogged. And so much has happened its hard to know where to start. So I'll simply say what I know, and that is that God is on the move. He's never stopped moving. Even when times were tough, or I doubted, or had my temper tantrums....he has promised to complete the work He started in me.
My time at Shady Grove finished up on May 16th. My heart was filled with mixed emotions, knowing that it was time to move on, but full of saddness at the thought of leaving my friends and coworkers. So much was gained from this experience. As a nurse, I gained much confidence and strength to branch out and experience something new and challenging. Ive gained much autonomy and have learned how to be confident in my skills. And Ive been reminded that labor and delivery is a passion of mine, one where I can use my gifts and abilities to bless, encourage and support such a life changing event in the life of a woman and her family.
The time away also provided me the much needed space and air to breathe once again. The healing that took place in my heart couldnt have happened had I stayed in the midst of the muck and the myre. I guess I shouldnt say that it 'couldn't ' have happened, because with God all things are possible. But God honored my need for a way out, and he took me to a place that provided so much for me, more then I could have ecer expected. He provided an amazing job, a great church community, a network of amazing new friends, and an opportunity to love and serve my brother and his amazing family. I have felt so alive at times, and wondered if I m ready to enter back into life back home. But as the time has gone on, I've felt a stirring in my spirit again to move back, to experience life in Lancaster as a new woman, and to live and serve out of my home again. The Lord has given me fresh ideas and visions of ways to serve with my time and resources. But as I prepare to move home, I am without a job. I feel that its important to remain open to whatever the Lord might have for me and to not jump into something just to have a job. I have no idea what He is going to do in my life and heart over the next two weeks. Thats right, Im going to South Africa!!!!
This has been another part of my dreams fulfilled. Africa has been on my heart for many years now, and its finally time. The Lord is taking me there to experience a new culture and to see evidence of what He is doing around the world. Im excited to serve and grow next to an amazing group of young adults. Its neat how over the past weeks He has been placing orphans on my heart. I just want to sweep them up in my arms, cuddle them, and let them know how loved they are.
So I find myself in a place of anxious anticipation. Not knowing has proven to be very challenging for me over the past years. But since this time away, ive gotten pretty comfortable with not knowing. Simply because I know the one who knows all things. I'm continuing on in the journey. And God continues to do a work in my life. I heard a song the other day that resonated so deep in my spirit.....rang so true with what Im feeling right now. By Avalon.....
Free, I long to be free
I long for the day I'll believe
That all you say you see in me is true
That's hard for me to do
It's hard for me to die to myself
Entrust my life to someone else
So come empty me out
I'm no good without You inside of me
Chorus:
Come and fill my heart with hope
Come and fill my life with love
Come and fill my soul with strengh to carry on
Because from here the climb is steep, the road is long
Come and fill my days with dreams
Empty me of all the empty things
That I hold ontoCome and fill my heart with you
I need you in my life
eed you like the air that I breath
You've become the very heart of me
And I, I can't believe my eyes
Can't believe the dream that I've found
Lord, your love has turned my world around
So come fill up my heart
'Till I'm like you are
So deep inside of me
Search me, Lord
Try my heart
Come and take me now and make me new
So that all of the world will see you
Overflow in my life!
My time at Shady Grove finished up on May 16th. My heart was filled with mixed emotions, knowing that it was time to move on, but full of saddness at the thought of leaving my friends and coworkers. So much was gained from this experience. As a nurse, I gained much confidence and strength to branch out and experience something new and challenging. Ive gained much autonomy and have learned how to be confident in my skills. And Ive been reminded that labor and delivery is a passion of mine, one where I can use my gifts and abilities to bless, encourage and support such a life changing event in the life of a woman and her family.
The time away also provided me the much needed space and air to breathe once again. The healing that took place in my heart couldnt have happened had I stayed in the midst of the muck and the myre. I guess I shouldnt say that it 'couldn't ' have happened, because with God all things are possible. But God honored my need for a way out, and he took me to a place that provided so much for me, more then I could have ecer expected. He provided an amazing job, a great church community, a network of amazing new friends, and an opportunity to love and serve my brother and his amazing family. I have felt so alive at times, and wondered if I m ready to enter back into life back home. But as the time has gone on, I've felt a stirring in my spirit again to move back, to experience life in Lancaster as a new woman, and to live and serve out of my home again. The Lord has given me fresh ideas and visions of ways to serve with my time and resources. But as I prepare to move home, I am without a job. I feel that its important to remain open to whatever the Lord might have for me and to not jump into something just to have a job. I have no idea what He is going to do in my life and heart over the next two weeks. Thats right, Im going to South Africa!!!!
This has been another part of my dreams fulfilled. Africa has been on my heart for many years now, and its finally time. The Lord is taking me there to experience a new culture and to see evidence of what He is doing around the world. Im excited to serve and grow next to an amazing group of young adults. Its neat how over the past weeks He has been placing orphans on my heart. I just want to sweep them up in my arms, cuddle them, and let them know how loved they are.
So I find myself in a place of anxious anticipation. Not knowing has proven to be very challenging for me over the past years. But since this time away, ive gotten pretty comfortable with not knowing. Simply because I know the one who knows all things. I'm continuing on in the journey. And God continues to do a work in my life. I heard a song the other day that resonated so deep in my spirit.....rang so true with what Im feeling right now. By Avalon.....
Free, I long to be free
I long for the day I'll believe
That all you say you see in me is true
That's hard for me to do
It's hard for me to die to myself
Entrust my life to someone else
So come empty me out
I'm no good without You inside of me
Chorus:
Come and fill my heart with hope
Come and fill my life with love
Come and fill my soul with strengh to carry on
Because from here the climb is steep, the road is long
Come and fill my days with dreams
Empty me of all the empty things
That I hold ontoCome and fill my heart with you
I need you in my life
eed you like the air that I breath
You've become the very heart of me
And I, I can't believe my eyes
Can't believe the dream that I've found
Lord, your love has turned my world around
So come fill up my heart
'Till I'm like you are
So deep inside of me
Search me, Lord
Try my heart
Come and take me now and make me new
So that all of the world will see you
Overflow in my life!
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