Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Shadowfeet
Wanted to share the lyrics to a song that captures so much. Enjoy!
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
You make all things new
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
-Brooke Fraser
Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
You make all things new
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
-Brooke Fraser
Thursday, July 24, 2008
nursing books and coffee shops
This week was like a glimpse back into the world of nursing school. Up in the spare bedroom, tucked away in the corner, lives my old nursing textbooks. All 100 pounds of them. Seriously, those suckers are huge! I never really thought Id crack them open again, but couldnt stand to part with those books. Maybe its because I spent hundreds of dollars on them. Or maybe, just maybe, I realized that my nursing carear would take me on different paths. Either way, Im thankful for them.
Many ask, "What do you do with all your time?" Initially, Ive felt that I needed to justify my time off by speaking of productivity and purpose. I have never felt such purpose in just being. Its been so good! I can't say it enough. Anyway, this week was a week for coffee shops and nursing books. I've begun the process of switching the brain over to new subjects, new terminology, new drugs, and new procedures. I've figured Id start easing myself into the world of cancer and the 'cell cycle' while I'm praying I never forget all that Ive learned about the amazing world of labor and delivery.
Many ask, "What do you do with all your time?" Initially, Ive felt that I needed to justify my time off by speaking of productivity and purpose. I have never felt such purpose in just being. Its been so good! I can't say it enough. Anyway, this week was a week for coffee shops and nursing books. I've begun the process of switching the brain over to new subjects, new terminology, new drugs, and new procedures. I've figured Id start easing myself into the world of cancer and the 'cell cycle' while I'm praying I never forget all that Ive learned about the amazing world of labor and delivery.
Friday, July 11, 2008
He Is
Well, I don't know if anyone still checks this blog or not. Perhaps its only my sweet friend Rachel. But even if no one reads this, these words must be spoken, rather typed. Over the last 2 months since I've written, I've experienced the living God. I've seen His face, caught glimpses of His heart, heard His voice, experienced His love, and know that He is real, alive, and more than I've ever known or expected Him to be. At times, I find myself simply in awe and wonder at who this amazing God is. Why has He chosen me? Why does He love me? How does He have enough patience for me and my issues? And why is it all for free? Whats the catch here God???? But I've tasted and I've seen the Lord and its wrecked my world. All of the preconceived ideas about who He is.....all the things that the christian world taught me about who He is and the nice little box they gave me to keep Him in.....gone! Blown to pieces! And thanks be to God for that! Because Ive come to experience Him in such a real way. The things of my heart that have kept me from Him, the lies of the enemy, the strongholds of fear, doubt and the mind.....oh that mind! I thank Him for it, but at the same time I long to be free of it at times so as to enter into the secret places of His presence. I testify to who He is. HE IS amazing. HE IS all knowing. HE IS trustworthy. HE IS dependable. HE IS my redeemer. HE IS my sustainer. HE IS the lover of my soul. HE IS the one I long to be like. HE IS my protector. HE IS my father. HE IS my papa. HE IS my friend. HE IS the peace that passes all understanding. HE IS all that I need. HE IS patience at its best. HE IS untainted love. HE IS unconditional. HE IS the healer. HE IS the freedom giver. HE IS the blesser. HE IS the warrior. HE IS the gentle one. HE IS! HE IS! HE IS!
I am a new creation because of Him. I no longer live controlled by the spirits of fear, of rejection, of burden bearing. The realization that I don't need to strive to be in His presence, that I don't need to earn anything, is simply amazing. At times I don't know what to do with myself. So, I simply sit in His presence. I want to soak up everything about Him. At times, I feel lost in worship. I feel like I can't enter in. But what I'm learning is that if He is there, then just sit with him. Just be with him. His presence is like none other.
The concept of God as my father is one that has been in the process for a long time. I've worked through a lot with my own dad. Its amazing how our earthly relationships so easily transfer over to our heavenly ones. But God is showing me so much about who He is and is amazing love for me. Its so totally unconditional. I don't get it. I don't think I ever will. But one thing is for sure. There's no way I'm going to pass it up simply because I don't get it. No one in their right mind would pass up a million dollars just because they couldn't wrap their mind around why someone would just give it away. So I'm taking it Jesus, with a thankful and greatful heart. You are on the move no doubt. You are changing me, making me new. I look at all the newness in my life. I'm back home in Lancaster a new woman. I've seen the work you've done in my life and I'm living it out. I no longer need relationships to define me. I don't need a group to label 'my community.' I don't need an identity in other people. You are my identity. I am free to live and move according to your will for my life. I'm starting a new job aug. 4th. Who would have thought Id ever give up labor and delivery. But I was open and ready to whatever. And now, you've lead me to oncology nursing. My spirit is filled with anticipation of what that will be like, and how you will use me. I'm honored to be in such an awesome position to love, serve, encourage, and bless people in such a difficult situation. I long to understand and move in your healing anointing. But I don't quite understand it yet. But I trust that in your time, as I continue to move in your ways, that you will allow my heart and mind to understand. I simply receive all that you have for me.
Lord, don't let this passion and excitement fade away. I seek your boldness and confidence as I allow the Holy Spirit to move within me. I simply say that I am your hands and feet.
Thank you. My heart is full of gratitude and praise. Be forever honored and lifted high in my life. I love you daddy!
I am a new creation because of Him. I no longer live controlled by the spirits of fear, of rejection, of burden bearing. The realization that I don't need to strive to be in His presence, that I don't need to earn anything, is simply amazing. At times I don't know what to do with myself. So, I simply sit in His presence. I want to soak up everything about Him. At times, I feel lost in worship. I feel like I can't enter in. But what I'm learning is that if He is there, then just sit with him. Just be with him. His presence is like none other.
The concept of God as my father is one that has been in the process for a long time. I've worked through a lot with my own dad. Its amazing how our earthly relationships so easily transfer over to our heavenly ones. But God is showing me so much about who He is and is amazing love for me. Its so totally unconditional. I don't get it. I don't think I ever will. But one thing is for sure. There's no way I'm going to pass it up simply because I don't get it. No one in their right mind would pass up a million dollars just because they couldn't wrap their mind around why someone would just give it away. So I'm taking it Jesus, with a thankful and greatful heart. You are on the move no doubt. You are changing me, making me new. I look at all the newness in my life. I'm back home in Lancaster a new woman. I've seen the work you've done in my life and I'm living it out. I no longer need relationships to define me. I don't need a group to label 'my community.' I don't need an identity in other people. You are my identity. I am free to live and move according to your will for my life. I'm starting a new job aug. 4th. Who would have thought Id ever give up labor and delivery. But I was open and ready to whatever. And now, you've lead me to oncology nursing. My spirit is filled with anticipation of what that will be like, and how you will use me. I'm honored to be in such an awesome position to love, serve, encourage, and bless people in such a difficult situation. I long to understand and move in your healing anointing. But I don't quite understand it yet. But I trust that in your time, as I continue to move in your ways, that you will allow my heart and mind to understand. I simply receive all that you have for me.
Lord, don't let this passion and excitement fade away. I seek your boldness and confidence as I allow the Holy Spirit to move within me. I simply say that I am your hands and feet.
Thank you. My heart is full of gratitude and praise. Be forever honored and lifted high in my life. I love you daddy!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
whirlwinds of change
Its hard to believe its been almost 2 months since I've blogged. And so much has happened its hard to know where to start. So I'll simply say what I know, and that is that God is on the move. He's never stopped moving. Even when times were tough, or I doubted, or had my temper tantrums....he has promised to complete the work He started in me.
My time at Shady Grove finished up on May 16th. My heart was filled with mixed emotions, knowing that it was time to move on, but full of saddness at the thought of leaving my friends and coworkers. So much was gained from this experience. As a nurse, I gained much confidence and strength to branch out and experience something new and challenging. Ive gained much autonomy and have learned how to be confident in my skills. And Ive been reminded that labor and delivery is a passion of mine, one where I can use my gifts and abilities to bless, encourage and support such a life changing event in the life of a woman and her family.
The time away also provided me the much needed space and air to breathe once again. The healing that took place in my heart couldnt have happened had I stayed in the midst of the muck and the myre. I guess I shouldnt say that it 'couldn't ' have happened, because with God all things are possible. But God honored my need for a way out, and he took me to a place that provided so much for me, more then I could have ecer expected. He provided an amazing job, a great church community, a network of amazing new friends, and an opportunity to love and serve my brother and his amazing family. I have felt so alive at times, and wondered if I m ready to enter back into life back home. But as the time has gone on, I've felt a stirring in my spirit again to move back, to experience life in Lancaster as a new woman, and to live and serve out of my home again. The Lord has given me fresh ideas and visions of ways to serve with my time and resources. But as I prepare to move home, I am without a job. I feel that its important to remain open to whatever the Lord might have for me and to not jump into something just to have a job. I have no idea what He is going to do in my life and heart over the next two weeks. Thats right, Im going to South Africa!!!!
This has been another part of my dreams fulfilled. Africa has been on my heart for many years now, and its finally time. The Lord is taking me there to experience a new culture and to see evidence of what He is doing around the world. Im excited to serve and grow next to an amazing group of young adults. Its neat how over the past weeks He has been placing orphans on my heart. I just want to sweep them up in my arms, cuddle them, and let them know how loved they are.
So I find myself in a place of anxious anticipation. Not knowing has proven to be very challenging for me over the past years. But since this time away, ive gotten pretty comfortable with not knowing. Simply because I know the one who knows all things. I'm continuing on in the journey. And God continues to do a work in my life. I heard a song the other day that resonated so deep in my spirit.....rang so true with what Im feeling right now. By Avalon.....
Free, I long to be free
I long for the day I'll believe
That all you say you see in me is true
That's hard for me to do
It's hard for me to die to myself
Entrust my life to someone else
So come empty me out
I'm no good without You inside of me
Chorus:
Come and fill my heart with hope
Come and fill my life with love
Come and fill my soul with strengh to carry on
Because from here the climb is steep, the road is long
Come and fill my days with dreams
Empty me of all the empty things
That I hold ontoCome and fill my heart with you
I need you in my life
eed you like the air that I breath
You've become the very heart of me
And I, I can't believe my eyes
Can't believe the dream that I've found
Lord, your love has turned my world around
So come fill up my heart
'Till I'm like you are
So deep inside of me
Search me, Lord
Try my heart
Come and take me now and make me new
So that all of the world will see you
Overflow in my life!
My time at Shady Grove finished up on May 16th. My heart was filled with mixed emotions, knowing that it was time to move on, but full of saddness at the thought of leaving my friends and coworkers. So much was gained from this experience. As a nurse, I gained much confidence and strength to branch out and experience something new and challenging. Ive gained much autonomy and have learned how to be confident in my skills. And Ive been reminded that labor and delivery is a passion of mine, one where I can use my gifts and abilities to bless, encourage and support such a life changing event in the life of a woman and her family.
The time away also provided me the much needed space and air to breathe once again. The healing that took place in my heart couldnt have happened had I stayed in the midst of the muck and the myre. I guess I shouldnt say that it 'couldn't ' have happened, because with God all things are possible. But God honored my need for a way out, and he took me to a place that provided so much for me, more then I could have ecer expected. He provided an amazing job, a great church community, a network of amazing new friends, and an opportunity to love and serve my brother and his amazing family. I have felt so alive at times, and wondered if I m ready to enter back into life back home. But as the time has gone on, I've felt a stirring in my spirit again to move back, to experience life in Lancaster as a new woman, and to live and serve out of my home again. The Lord has given me fresh ideas and visions of ways to serve with my time and resources. But as I prepare to move home, I am without a job. I feel that its important to remain open to whatever the Lord might have for me and to not jump into something just to have a job. I have no idea what He is going to do in my life and heart over the next two weeks. Thats right, Im going to South Africa!!!!
This has been another part of my dreams fulfilled. Africa has been on my heart for many years now, and its finally time. The Lord is taking me there to experience a new culture and to see evidence of what He is doing around the world. Im excited to serve and grow next to an amazing group of young adults. Its neat how over the past weeks He has been placing orphans on my heart. I just want to sweep them up in my arms, cuddle them, and let them know how loved they are.
So I find myself in a place of anxious anticipation. Not knowing has proven to be very challenging for me over the past years. But since this time away, ive gotten pretty comfortable with not knowing. Simply because I know the one who knows all things. I'm continuing on in the journey. And God continues to do a work in my life. I heard a song the other day that resonated so deep in my spirit.....rang so true with what Im feeling right now. By Avalon.....
Free, I long to be free
I long for the day I'll believe
That all you say you see in me is true
That's hard for me to do
It's hard for me to die to myself
Entrust my life to someone else
So come empty me out
I'm no good without You inside of me
Chorus:
Come and fill my heart with hope
Come and fill my life with love
Come and fill my soul with strengh to carry on
Because from here the climb is steep, the road is long
Come and fill my days with dreams
Empty me of all the empty things
That I hold ontoCome and fill my heart with you
I need you in my life
eed you like the air that I breath
You've become the very heart of me
And I, I can't believe my eyes
Can't believe the dream that I've found
Lord, your love has turned my world around
So come fill up my heart
'Till I'm like you are
So deep inside of me
Search me, Lord
Try my heart
Come and take me now and make me new
So that all of the world will see you
Overflow in my life!
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
its been a while
For those of you who are active followers of my blog, I'm back for a brief update. Why brief you might say? I've decided to do some intensive paper journaling over the coming weeks and days. It seems as though I've entered into a "clean out" stage in my life. The Lord has been convicting me of many things recently, revealing idols in my life as well as areas that purely just need to be thrown out. Its been hard work over the past week. I'm thankful for the strong and powerful teaching that I receive at Frontline, for God has spoken to me loudly over the past few Sunday's. So I invite you to pray with me as I do some major housework. It seems appropriate that its happening at this time. As I anticipate moving back to Lancaster in June, I recognize that things are going to be much different. So I need to be different. And I'm going to be different. Pray that the Lord would continue to wash me clean from the idols I have in my life. Pray that God would begin to reveal to me ways to use and invest my time wisely. Just what is it Lord that you want me to focus my time on? I continually hear Him saying, "Keep your eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen; Not what is temporary, but what is eternal." And finally, to fully be the person that He is asking me to be at my place of work. The sin of gossipping has been running rampant at work and I'm continually aware of it, but do nothing about it. Jesus, forgive me for all the ways that I fall short. Thank you for your loving grace and forgiveness that covers all. May I get even just a glimpse more of who you are in my life and for the purposes that you have placed over me.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
what happens when......
its funny what happens when you surrender............
Sitting in Starbucks today, with a warm cup of tea, a journal and my bible, I knew it was a special moment. It was my time away with the Father. The sun was shining outside and the sky a a sunset blue. There's nothing like the smell of good coffee with the hum of good conversation around you. Sitting on the soft, comfy chair, I opened up my journal from the last year. Reading through the pages, I was reminded once again of all the changes that have happened over the last years and how God was present during each and every one of them! Throughout the up and down emotions of life, the doubts, the questions, the fears and the joys, one constant remained. "I long for my destiny to come forth and be revealed!" Its so frustrating to be one of those people that want all the details up front and right now. I cant tell you all the times I cried out to the Lord for answers, for clarity, for wisdom. But Ive come to realize that wisdom isn't necessarily handed to us on a plate. He wants us to take steps towards him, towards what He is asking us to do. And from that, comes wisdom. I wonder why it has to be so hard sometimes. But then again, the reward, the victory, is just that much sweeter.
I'm amazed at how much and how often I ask for help, for understanding, for His gifts. My prayers have been so selfish lately. And I wonder why I'm not fulfilled, why the unsettledness continues, why I feel as though I'm not where I need to be. Its been so easy to stay focused on the self lately. Why not? Its just me. I go to work. I eat. I sleep. I travel. I shop. I have fun. I have my own agenda. Yes, along the way, I bless others and love on others when its convenient for me. If you love me, lay down your life, pick up the cross and follow me. I want to Lord! Everything in me wants to. But it seems as though i have come up with every excuse in the book. I'm not ready.....wait until I pay off my debts.....wait until I have a husband......not until its completely clear......can I really give up all that Ive come to know? I feel the battle in my spirit even as I acknowledge these thoughts right now. This battle has been going on for months, actually years. But I'm forever greatful for the Lords patience, and for the way that He has used these days to prepare me and mold me, regardless of my stubborn self. But today, more than ever, I feel a boldness and a readiness to dive in. I'm ready to jump. I'm ready to silence the voices of doubt and fear. For my God is able to do abundantly more than all we ask or imagine!
As I sifted through my journal, I came across an entry that I wrote during my time of doing a spiritual gifts and personality test with my mentor Sandy. Exhortation and Mercy with a leading towards being an advocate and advisor. Yes, this is me. This is what makes me fully alive. Following this entry was one that I wrote following my discovery of Wears Valley Ranch in TN. This is a Christian group home and school for children that exists to "promote the spiritual, emotional, intellectual, social and physical development of children in need of a stronger family support system through Christ centered homes." Throughout the last year, I have had a stirring in my heart multiple times to apply. But again, I had every excuse in the book to 'wait.' However, over the last months, as Ive acknowledged this unsettledness, this part of me that longs for more, for my destiny, I realize that I continue to try to satisfy that longing with other things. God has been so good and so kind to me as I've been searching and testing the waters. But I cant live in this place anymore. I feel an urgency in my spirit. Without a doubt, I need to apply to be a mentor/house parent assistant at the ranch.
What an opportunity this could be. It would be sacrificial, no doubt. But Christ promises so much more. So the application is complete. Lord, take this and do with it what you want. It is yours to have. Thank you for leading me and guiding me along throughout my life. I trust you.
What a journey folks.....what a journey.
Sitting in Starbucks today, with a warm cup of tea, a journal and my bible, I knew it was a special moment. It was my time away with the Father. The sun was shining outside and the sky a a sunset blue. There's nothing like the smell of good coffee with the hum of good conversation around you. Sitting on the soft, comfy chair, I opened up my journal from the last year. Reading through the pages, I was reminded once again of all the changes that have happened over the last years and how God was present during each and every one of them! Throughout the up and down emotions of life, the doubts, the questions, the fears and the joys, one constant remained. "I long for my destiny to come forth and be revealed!" Its so frustrating to be one of those people that want all the details up front and right now. I cant tell you all the times I cried out to the Lord for answers, for clarity, for wisdom. But Ive come to realize that wisdom isn't necessarily handed to us on a plate. He wants us to take steps towards him, towards what He is asking us to do. And from that, comes wisdom. I wonder why it has to be so hard sometimes. But then again, the reward, the victory, is just that much sweeter.
I'm amazed at how much and how often I ask for help, for understanding, for His gifts. My prayers have been so selfish lately. And I wonder why I'm not fulfilled, why the unsettledness continues, why I feel as though I'm not where I need to be. Its been so easy to stay focused on the self lately. Why not? Its just me. I go to work. I eat. I sleep. I travel. I shop. I have fun. I have my own agenda. Yes, along the way, I bless others and love on others when its convenient for me. If you love me, lay down your life, pick up the cross and follow me. I want to Lord! Everything in me wants to. But it seems as though i have come up with every excuse in the book. I'm not ready.....wait until I pay off my debts.....wait until I have a husband......not until its completely clear......can I really give up all that Ive come to know? I feel the battle in my spirit even as I acknowledge these thoughts right now. This battle has been going on for months, actually years. But I'm forever greatful for the Lords patience, and for the way that He has used these days to prepare me and mold me, regardless of my stubborn self. But today, more than ever, I feel a boldness and a readiness to dive in. I'm ready to jump. I'm ready to silence the voices of doubt and fear. For my God is able to do abundantly more than all we ask or imagine!
As I sifted through my journal, I came across an entry that I wrote during my time of doing a spiritual gifts and personality test with my mentor Sandy. Exhortation and Mercy with a leading towards being an advocate and advisor. Yes, this is me. This is what makes me fully alive. Following this entry was one that I wrote following my discovery of Wears Valley Ranch in TN. This is a Christian group home and school for children that exists to "promote the spiritual, emotional, intellectual, social and physical development of children in need of a stronger family support system through Christ centered homes." Throughout the last year, I have had a stirring in my heart multiple times to apply. But again, I had every excuse in the book to 'wait.' However, over the last months, as Ive acknowledged this unsettledness, this part of me that longs for more, for my destiny, I realize that I continue to try to satisfy that longing with other things. God has been so good and so kind to me as I've been searching and testing the waters. But I cant live in this place anymore. I feel an urgency in my spirit. Without a doubt, I need to apply to be a mentor/house parent assistant at the ranch.
What an opportunity this could be. It would be sacrificial, no doubt. But Christ promises so much more. So the application is complete. Lord, take this and do with it what you want. It is yours to have. Thank you for leading me and guiding me along throughout my life. I trust you.
What a journey folks.....what a journey.
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