wrestle in the waiting

There's much going through my mind and my heart these days. Some of it I'd like to ignore, to push under the rug, to pretend that everything is great. That's who I am, who I've always been . I hate conflict. I hate tension. I hate disappointment and unrest. I want things to be peaceful and smooth and life giving for everyone. But I'm coming to learn that that's just not life. And that its in these times when life can be born. Its like labor. You can't have a child, this beautiful amazing creature, without the pain and agony of labor. Oh how I want to just push a button and have what I want. I'm realizing more and more how much I'm a product of this microwave culture. I don't want to wait. I don't want to work for anything. Oh the flesh! I have so much to learn and so far to go.

Over the past weeks and months, I have often fought to stay above water. I keep pressing through life's disappointments and unmet longings and keep my eye and focus on what is good, what is right. I always seemed to find a balance between the pain and longings with the contentment that only Christ can give. But over the last days and weeks, I've fallen. I've found myself deep in the pain and confusion that life has brought my way. It's amazing how the enemy loves to sneak in and get a grip on areas of your life that cause hardship and struggle. For me, I was hit hard with insecurities. And it sucked the life out of me! I've become so self protective. I've been hurt so much in the past and Im afraid to risk. Its been a hard couple of weeks in the fact that I've found myself unable to move above this discontentment and frustration. I find myself wrestling with God. It almost feels wrong. I initially felt shame for my lack of trust and faith in Him. But I can't fake it. I can't pretend that everything is ok. I can't act like I have it all together. And so, I wrestle. I wonder what is on the other side of this storm. Will there be calm waters? Will there be sunshine, or even a rainbow? Lord, where is the faith that I had growing within me, giving me strength to carry me day by day? I don't want to be an experiencial, emotional christian. But Im afraid thats where I've found myself. Lord, from the depth of my heart, change me! Take this doubting and questioning heart of mine and mold it, shape it, create something new. Fill it, infuse it with hope.

A friend said to me that she believes its ok to be in this place, in wrestling with God. Within the tension, may Christ be revealed. May His purpose and plans for this time come about. So while the peacemaker and comfort seeker in me is crying out for calm waters, I know that with labor brings about new life. Its this hope that keeps me going.

chemo and coffee

Well today was my first day of work in the past 2 1/2 months. And to top that, it is in a field of nursing that I've never experienced. No longer am I living amidst laboring moms and crying newborns. No longer will I wake at 4pm and go to bed at 8am. No longer will I be sleep deprived at church or miss a holiday gathering. I feel like Im growing up!

Waking up this morning, I was filled with much excitement, anticpation, nervousness and a little fear. Its as if I was going to school for the very first time. What to expect? Will they like me? Will I be happy hear? After an official clock in and a quick tour, I was thrown into the fast pace world of oncology nursing. I watched as the patients slowly filtered in to the chemo treatment room. It was obvious that this was not their first time. They each selected a chair, grabbed a cup of coffee and settled in for what could be their entire morning. Some came alone. But others came with their spouse or a friend. You could sense some anxiety on their part, and definately some weariness. The nurses made their way in total teamwork fasion from patient to patient....starting IV's, mixing the drugs that would work hard to kill the cancer within, premedicate to avoid the nasty chemo effects like nausea and vomitting, and then patrol the room making sure that their were no adverse reactions. The nurses worked together like a well oiled machine. I love the sense of teamwork and togetherness that was there. I found myself excited to work with these women.

But throughout the day, I faced a variety of thoughts. "Give me my babies back!" "What am I doing here?" "How long will I feel this dumb?" "Well, it can work." "Learning is kind of fun again." "Wow, the opportunities are endless.'"

Come 4pm, I was ready to go home and loving the fact that I actually could! My first day as an oncology nurse was under my belt. And now.....let the learning begin!

expectations

This past week was our family vacation in New Hampshire. Every 2 years, my mom's side of the family has a family reunion somewhere in the US. Its a fun time to get away, experience a new place/state, enjoy catching up with family (who thankfully are all really cool people), and spending time together with our immediate family. I have sweet memories of past reunions, and its hard not to enter into them with expectations. Now, as we've gotten older, our times together are few and far between. These reunions have now become our own reunion of sorts, where we have high hopes to spend quality time with one another, have meaningful interactions, quality family time of games or just sitting down for dinner. But life seems to have 'happened' over the last couple of years. Change has wrecked havoc on us, or should I say, wrecked havoc on me. I always have had a hard time with change. And every time we are together as a family, all the emotions and intense feelings come to the surface. Its hard for me to let go of what was....to let go of expectations. Our time together this past week was nothing close to a vacation. There were intense emotions, short tempered women, events that pulled each of us in different directions, 2 little girls that had their own agendas, poor communication, and more. I found myself so caught up in what wasnt right, and how unsatisfied I was, that I missed many good opportunities. Now, I don't want you to think that my family is a mess and that Im miserable. I love them beyond words. But I needed to learn something this week. Family is messy! Yeah, I knew that, but I needed to be reminded of that. Secondly, expectations need to be left at the door. Change is unavoidable and adjustments are necessary (but they sure do stink sometimes!).

I was reminded yet again of how thankful I am for grace. We all needed it this week thats for sure. Its amazing how ugly the human self can be. I long to be at a place where I live and move and breath like Jesus. Im tired of hurting those I love with my words and actions (or lack there of). I long for something more, something better. Imagine what family will be like in heaven. Thats one family reunion I can't wait for!!!!

Shadowfeet

Wanted to share the lyrics to a song that captures so much. Enjoy!

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet
Toward home, a land that I've never seen
I am changing Less and less asleep
Made of different stuff than when I began
And I have sensed it all along
Fast approaching is the day

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you

There's distraction buzzing in my head
Saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
But I've heard rumours of true reality
Whispers of a well-lit way

When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you

You make all things new
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
When the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When the world has fallen out from under me
I'll be found in you, still standing
Every fear and accusation under my feet

When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you
When time and space are through I'll be found in you

-Brooke Fraser

nursing books and coffee shops

This week was like a glimpse back into the world of nursing school. Up in the spare bedroom, tucked away in the corner, lives my old nursing textbooks. All 100 pounds of them. Seriously, those suckers are huge! I never really thought Id crack them open again, but couldnt stand to part with those books. Maybe its because I spent hundreds of dollars on them. Or maybe, just maybe, I realized that my nursing carear would take me on different paths. Either way, Im thankful for them.

Many ask, "What do you do with all your time?" Initially, Ive felt that I needed to justify my time off by speaking of productivity and purpose. I have never felt such purpose in just being. Its been so good! I can't say it enough. Anyway, this week was a week for coffee shops and nursing books. I've begun the process of switching the brain over to new subjects, new terminology, new drugs, and new procedures. I've figured Id start easing myself into the world of cancer and the 'cell cycle' while I'm praying I never forget all that Ive learned about the amazing world of labor and delivery.

He Is

Well, I don't know if anyone still checks this blog or not. Perhaps its only my sweet friend Rachel. But even if no one reads this, these words must be spoken, rather typed. Over the last 2 months since I've written, I've experienced the living God. I've seen His face, caught glimpses of His heart, heard His voice, experienced His love, and know that He is real, alive, and more than I've ever known or expected Him to be. At times, I find myself simply in awe and wonder at who this amazing God is. Why has He chosen me? Why does He love me? How does He have enough patience for me and my issues? And why is it all for free? Whats the catch here God???? But I've tasted and I've seen the Lord and its wrecked my world. All of the preconceived ideas about who He is.....all the things that the christian world taught me about who He is and the nice little box they gave me to keep Him in.....gone! Blown to pieces! And thanks be to God for that! Because Ive come to experience Him in such a real way. The things of my heart that have kept me from Him, the lies of the enemy, the strongholds of fear, doubt and the mind.....oh that mind! I thank Him for it, but at the same time I long to be free of it at times so as to enter into the secret places of His presence. I testify to who He is. HE IS amazing. HE IS all knowing. HE IS trustworthy. HE IS dependable. HE IS my redeemer. HE IS my sustainer. HE IS the lover of my soul. HE IS the one I long to be like. HE IS my protector. HE IS my father. HE IS my papa. HE IS my friend. HE IS the peace that passes all understanding. HE IS all that I need. HE IS patience at its best. HE IS untainted love. HE IS unconditional. HE IS the healer. HE IS the freedom giver. HE IS the blesser. HE IS the warrior. HE IS the gentle one. HE IS! HE IS! HE IS!

I am a new creation because of Him. I no longer live controlled by the spirits of fear, of rejection, of burden bearing. The realization that I don't need to strive to be in His presence, that I don't need to earn anything, is simply amazing. At times I don't know what to do with myself. So, I simply sit in His presence. I want to soak up everything about Him. At times, I feel lost in worship. I feel like I can't enter in. But what I'm learning is that if He is there, then just sit with him. Just be with him. His presence is like none other.

The concept of God as my father is one that has been in the process for a long time. I've worked through a lot with my own dad. Its amazing how our earthly relationships so easily transfer over to our heavenly ones. But God is showing me so much about who He is and is amazing love for me. Its so totally unconditional. I don't get it. I don't think I ever will. But one thing is for sure. There's no way I'm going to pass it up simply because I don't get it. No one in their right mind would pass up a million dollars just because they couldn't wrap their mind around why someone would just give it away. So I'm taking it Jesus, with a thankful and greatful heart. You are on the move no doubt. You are changing me, making me new. I look at all the newness in my life. I'm back home in Lancaster a new woman. I've seen the work you've done in my life and I'm living it out. I no longer need relationships to define me. I don't need a group to label 'my community.' I don't need an identity in other people. You are my identity. I am free to live and move according to your will for my life. I'm starting a new job aug. 4th. Who would have thought Id ever give up labor and delivery. But I was open and ready to whatever. And now, you've lead me to oncology nursing. My spirit is filled with anticipation of what that will be like, and how you will use me. I'm honored to be in such an awesome position to love, serve, encourage, and bless people in such a difficult situation. I long to understand and move in your healing anointing. But I don't quite understand it yet. But I trust that in your time, as I continue to move in your ways, that you will allow my heart and mind to understand. I simply receive all that you have for me.

Lord, don't let this passion and excitement fade away. I seek your boldness and confidence as I allow the Holy Spirit to move within me. I simply say that I am your hands and feet.

Thank you. My heart is full of gratitude and praise. Be forever honored and lifted high in my life. I love you daddy!